DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a neighbor, “Mr. Griffin,” who is an artist.
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He gave one of his paintings to his next-door neighbor. Several months later, Mr. Griffin presented me with one of his paintings, which I hung in my family room.
The lady next door to Mr. Griffin stopped to visit me one day and saw the painting on my wall. Imagine my shock when she told me that it was the same painting Mr. Griffin had previously given to her! He had asked for it back, then obviously gave it to me.
It was very unnerving for me and uncomfortable for her.
We both tried to laugh it off, but it was very awkward. How should I have handled this situation?
GENTLE READER: You handled the current situation as best one could. The real question is, what do you intend to do when Mr. Griffin requests the painting back from you so he can give it to the neighbor across the street?
Miss Manners is tempted to suggest you prepare a card for the wall that says, “Currently on loan to the Biddles,” but suspects it will be easier to keep the peace by handing it over when the time comes.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We love hosting, and are fortunate to have a great guest space in our home. At the same time, some of our “regulars” can be challenging, and I’d love your thoughts on how I can be compassionate and accommodating while also preserving my sanity.
These particular visitors engage in what feels like continuous stream-of-consciousness monologues. Topics range from what shoes they are planning to wear to what they are doing next (“I think I’ll take a shower,” e.g.) to repeated questions about outings or events that have already been explained in great detail (in addition to printed itineraries left on bedside tables) to anything else under the sun that catches their attention (“Did I tell you about Person-you’ve-never-met and their dog/kid/job/house?”).
Not only is the incessant chatter incredibly overstimulating — we also have pets and children demanding our attention — but it also tends to be one-sided, rather than an actual conversation.
I try to be understanding; these friends live alone, are retired and are likely eager for company and connection with us. But I find that I dread their visits, which tend to be 5+ days, and am relieved when they leave.
I can imagine you might suggest a direct conversation, but it would be helpful to have some guidance around how to initiate it and what to say. All parties are very sensitive and are likely to be hurt or offended, so I want to approach this as thoughtfully as possible.
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GENTLE READER: One might expect Miss Manners to ask what you love about guests who do not know how to stop talking or when to leave, but not every dear friend (or relative?) can be a great conversationalist, and modern technology unfortunately trains other skills.
The greatest investment you can make would be to plan situations during visits that foster good conversation — for example, seated meals with guests placed together by interest and skill in carrying on a good conversation. And household work to do during monologues.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
