DEAR ABBY: I’m a 67-year-old father to a wonderful daughter. She has decided to stay with her boyfriend, who recently got out of jail for stealing $200,000 from his grandparents.
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Because of this, I do not want to leave her a large sum of money when I pass. (As of now, she stands to inherit more than $400,000.)
My problem is, how do I tell her I am removing her from my will? If I tell her, I’m scared she will hate me and end our relationship. But if I don’t tell her now, she’ll be so disappointed when that time does come.
Her boyfriend has already stolen $200 from her checking account since his release from jail. He has a gambling problem but continues to deny it. I cannot take the chance that he wouldn’t steal from her on a much bigger scale.
How do I tell her? I know I can set up a trust for her, but telling her my decision is the difficult problem.
— PLANNING AHEAD IN FLORIDA
DEAR PLANNING: You didn’t say that you are in ill health. You could live another 15 or 20 years and, if you do, your daughter could have wised up and chosen a more suitable partner by then.
I do think your idea of creating a trust for her is a good one. However, I see no reason why you should discuss that plan with her now. If you feel the need to explain, do it in a letter to be given to her at the time of your demise.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 20 years. My husband, “Grant,” and I were separated for a while. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I ended up moving back in with him a year ago.
We agreed to try to make things work. I have been in counseling, and before separating we tried joint counseling a couple of times.
There was an issue I needed to bring up with Grant. When I did, I used the “I feel … when …” phrasing that I had practiced with my psychologist.
The response I got from my husband was, “I’m not responsible for your feelings.” Well, it sure felt like a conversation killer.
I am not sure where to go from here. Anything I might say, he disagrees with. I can’t have a conversation with anyone within Grant’s earshot, because he will inevitably disagree with whatever he hears me say, and huff and puff about it. The time that follows is definitely awkward.
Please, I don’t know how to fix this. What do I do from here?
— LOST AND CONFUSED IN CANADA
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DEAR LOST: Your next step should be to understand that your husband is a verbal and emotional abuser who isn’t interested in repairing your marriage. He doesn’t want to hear what you have to say, and he enjoys belittling you in front of others.
For the sake of your mental health, what you should do from here is make a plan to leave him, and then follow through. I am sure your therapist would agree.
DEAR READERS: I wish a very happy Mother’s Day to mothers everywhere — birth mothers, adoptive and foster mothers, stepmothers, grandmothers who are raising their grandchildren, as well as dual-role dads. Orchids to all of you for the love you give not only today but each and every day. — LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
