DEAR HARRIETTE: Is it crossing the line if I attend my ex-boyfriend’s wedding?
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We have known each other for 16 years as neighbors. Despite breaking up three years ago, I recently received an invitation to his wedding.
I have been single since our split, and his impending marriage came as a shock. (Our breakup was fine; we broke up due to career priorities overshadowing our relationship.)
With the invitation was a letter saying how he would appreciate it if I attend his wedding. I fear that my attendance may create discomfort for those aware of our history, including his soon-to-be wife.
— Ex’s Wedding
DEAR EX’S WEDDING: Why don’t you pick up the phone and give your ex a call?
Congratulate him on his upcoming wedding. Let him tell you about his fiancee and their plans for the future. When the time is right, tell him that you do not think it is appropriate for you to attend his wedding — for many reasons.
While you are happy for him that he has found a life partner, you believe that your breakup is still too fresh for it to be comfortable for you to be at that pivotal event.
For your own sanity and peace, you should not go. Clearly, you have not fully moved on. To attend his wedding will be emotionally difficult for you, and likely for others.
Do everyone a favor and stay away.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I need advice on the concept of “no strings attached.”
In my last relationship, my partner cheated on me. Now I am with a guy I’m not officially dating.
From the start, we agreed that we were just hanging out, and it would be casual. Yet, we do everything together — intimate and platonic activities — almost like a relationship, but with no label on it.
I am developing feelings for this guy now. (My friends warned me it would happen.) I want to confess my feelings, but I am afraid that it might make him take a step back, and I am not ready to be left alone.
— Is It Really No Strings Attached?
DEAR IS IT REALLY NO STRINGS ATTACHED?: I’ve heard a similar story from the other side of this kind of relationship, where a man with multiple love interests tells everyone that their relationship is casual.
Because he is kind and attentive, the partner naturally believes that the relationship must be deeper. Even more, it can seem hard to imagine that he would have other partners. Where would he find the time?
In the case of the person I’m mentioning, he definitely has more than three women who probably all believe they are “the one,” even though they have agreed that the relationship is casual.
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Given that background, I recommend that you speak up. Sure, it could result in you two breaking it off. Or it could be that you both acknowledge how you are feeling, even if it remains “casual.”
And yes, there is a chance that he will choose to be exclusive with you, but don’t count on that.
You need to be ready to decide what you are willing to continue to do if the dynamics don’t change. Since it is hard to control your feelings, you need to decide whether it’s time to control your behavior.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
