DEAR HARRIETTE: My wealthy sister is questioning my parenting style, leaving me frustrated.
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Just a year older than me, she married into money. While we had enough growing up, we wouldn’t have considered ourselves rich.
For her birthday, my husband, daughter and I got together with my sister and her two extremely spoiled children. I hate to judge children, but there’s no other way to describe these kids.
We all went shopping together. My sister kept offering to buy my daughter things, but I repeatedly refused. She made annoying remarks, insisting it didn’t matter because she could afford it and it’s necessary to give children everything they want.
However, my priority is teaching my daughter financial responsibility, moderation and patience.
This situation has caused tension between my sister and me. I tried talking to her about it, but it seems my points are not getting across. I’m not sure what the next approach should be.
— Parenting Style
DEAR PARENTING STYLE: You can continue to teach your daughter what you value without disparaging your sister.
It is obvious to you and your daughter that your sister and her family live differently than you do.
I think you can allow your sister to give your daughter an extravagant gift without fear of your daughter becoming like your niece. Allowing your sister to do what she values for your daughter gives her a bit of comfort because it says you are letting her shower your daughter with her love. Right now, your sister feels like you are rejecting her.
Sit with your sister and make an agreement: She can give your daughter one special gift.
For yourself, you have to accept your sister for who she is and stop judging her or her family as you continue to teach your daughter how you expect her to conduct herself in life.
DEAR HARRIETTE: The tipping culture in the United States is puzzling to me as someone from Japan, where tipping is not customary.
In Japan, tips can imply that the employer does not provide adequate wages.
After moving to New Orleans, I discovered that tipping was expected for various services, including food, transportation and even coffee.
While this practice appears excessive, I still adhere to it. I seek insights into this custom and its significance in your culture.
— Is Tipping Necessary?
DEAR IS TIPPING NECESSARY?: What a great question. It got me researching the origins of tipping in America. The results are somewhat disturbing.
You are right that the expectation of tips, especially in the restaurant industry, is so great that the wage for tipped employees in some states is significantly lower than minimum wage — as little as $2.13 per hour. The belief has been that tips will balance out what a restaurant server will make, thereby bringing it back to the state’s general minimum wage.
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That means when servers or others in the restaurant industry do not receive tips, their overall wages for that day may be extremely low.
For the customer in America today, the most common tip amount is 15% to 20%. To give less than that is considered rude or a sign that you felt the service was not acceptable. This goes for everything from food service to car services, hairdressers and other service providers.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
