DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dating my girlfriend, Sarah, for a year now, and she has become increasingly insecure about my friendships with my childhood buddies — both men and women.
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Sarah often expresses her discomfort when I plan to hang out with them, fearing that I might grow closer to someone else. Despite my reassurances of my commitment, her insecurities persist, making it challenging for me to enjoy time with my friends. This results in me going out without her knowledge and lying to her.
How can I address Sarah’s concerns and help her feel more secure in our relationship while maintaining my friendships and personal space? I want to find a balanced approach that respects her feelings and my need for social connections.
— Outgoing Boyfriend
DEAR OUTGOING BOYFRIEND: You and Sarah need to talk about who you are as people and what you need in order to be fulfilled.
She must understand that you are a social person and that you need such connections in your life. Explain to Sarah what makes you happy. Tell her what you do when you hang out with your friends and why that is important to you.
Further, tell her what has been happening: Because you don’t want to hurt her or be bound by her insecurities, you have resorted to sneaking out.
That behavior is unhealthy and a surefire way of destroying a relationship. If the two of you are to have a chance at a future together, you will need to determine what makes each of you happy and find ways to make space for that to happen.
On a deeper level, you should talk to Sarah about her past. Why is she so insecure about you being with your friends? Did something happen that led her to distrust so deeply? Whatever is making her so worried needs to be addressed so that you both can move forward.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve known a guy for a few months now, and he’s become a close friend.
Lately, I’ve been developing feelings for him and wondering if he sees me in a romantic light or just as a friend.
He and I often spend time together, grabbing coffee, going for walks or watching movies. However, I can’t shake the uncertainty about his intentions.
How can I decipher whether his gestures and interactions are purely platonic, or if there’s a potential for a deeper romantic connection between us? I want to approach this situation thoughtfully. My brother said a guy will not hang out a lot for platonic reasons.
For context, I’m 23, and he’s 25.
— Platonic or More?
DEAR PLATONIC OR MORE?: Now is your moment to be brave: Ask him.
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Start by telling him how much you enjoy hanging out with him; you appreciate the conversations and the time that you spend together. Admit that you are growing fond of him, and you wonder where your friendship is headed. Ask him what he is hoping for in your relationship.
You can also flip it and be even bolder and tell him what you are feeling. What do you want? Would you be happy opening the door to the potential for romance with him? If so, tell him.
You can even say that you appreciate the bond you currently have and don’t want to ruin it, but you are curious about what would happen if you two took it further.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
