DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a situation involving my teenage daughter’s 17-year-old friend.
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She has been regularly coming over to our house after school and on weekends. Initially, I didn’t mind, as I enjoy having her around and she gets along well with my daughter. However, she has overstayed her welcome for the past five months or so.
She often stays for dinner without being invited and sometimes even spends the night without prior arrangement. This has started to disrupt our family routine and create some inconvenience.
I talked to my daughter about it, and she got mad at me, saying she likes having her friend around because they relate to each other, and I am being too strict. Am I?
— Overstaying Daughter’s Friend
DEAR OVERSTAYING DAUGHTER’S FRIEND: Sounds like something is not right at home for this young lady. It is time for you to check in with her parents.
Call or visit her home to see what’s going on in her life. Talk to her mother. Tell her that you have enjoyed getting to know her daughter, but you have noticed that she has been spending a lot of time at your house.
Ask about the mom’s schedule and what her expectations are for her daughter. Feel her out to learn what their family life is like so that you can discover what’s going on behind the scenes.
If you want to have certain times reserved just for your nuclear family, make that clear to your daughter, and then to the friend. On any given evening, you can tell her it’s time for her to go home as you intend to have a quiet night with the family.
Your daughter may not approve, but you have every right to limit how much time this young lady spends at your home. Just make sure she is safe in her own home environment before you do.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m reaching out for your advice regarding my elderly neighbor, “Mrs. Thompson.”
Over the years, we’ve developed a good connection, and I’ve gladly assisted her with tasks like fetching her mail and running occasional errands. However, Mrs. Thompson has been increasingly dependent on me for these tasks.
While I genuinely want to help her, the growing frequency and extent of her requests are starting to overwhelm me.
I’m struggling to find a balance where I can continue being a supportive neighbor without feeling burdened.
How can I gently set boundaries with Mrs. Thompson while ensuring that she still feels supported and cared for?
— Elderly Neighbor
DEAR ELDERLY NEIGHBOR: Now is the time for you to do some research on behalf of Mrs. Thompson.
Do you know her family? Can you find out what blood relatives she has? If and when you do, get in touch with them and let them know that Mrs. Thompson is in need of a new level of support.
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While it is kind and thoughtful of you to continue to help her as best you can, now may be the time for those responsible for her to step up.
If she does not have family, talk to her about her plans for the future. Has she thought about whether she might one day move to assisted living or hire someone to help her around the house?
Be gentle yet firm with your questions. If you are unable to do the things she needs at the level she currently needs them, you must let her know. Do your best to help her find alternative care.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
