DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently had a confusing encounter with a guy I met on Bumble.
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We hit it off during our conversations, and he seemed like a great match — respectful, attentive and genuinely interested. However, things took an unexpected turn when I coincidentally bumped into him at a coffee shop in a city neither of us lives in.
To my surprise, he was with his ex-girlfriend.
I approached them, said hi and noticed that he seemed uncomfortable and stiff. He said they were having coffee and catching up.
Later, he reached out to me, but now I’m hesitant. He’s still in touch with his ex and close to her family, which makes me question his intentions.
As someone who’s never been in a relationship before, I’m wondering if it’s even worth replying or if I should just let it go and move on?
— No Boyfriend Since Birth
DEAR NO BOYFRIEND SINCE BIRTH: You don’t have to cut him off yet.
Listen to him. Find out what is going on in his life. What was his relationship with his ex? How long was it? When did it end? Why was he with her when you saw them? What are his intentions with her? What are his intentions with you?
You cannot expect this new person in your life to have no bonds with others, but you do want to make sure he is emotionally available to explore a relationship with you.
Listen to what he says and observe what he does to see if he is looking for the same things you want. You have to be clear about what you want in order to recognize whether he matches your desires.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I know this might sound cliched, but I’m in a bit of a complicated situation.
I’m 18, and my family moved into a new neighborhood about two years ago. Since then, I’ve developed romantic feelings for my soon-to-be stepsister. She’s also 18, the daughter of our neighbor; my father, who is divorced, has been dating her mother, who’s a widow.
I like this girl a lot, but I have no intention of acting on these feelings, especially with the new family dynamic.
I can’t help but feel disappointed about my father and her mother dating. Is there a way to get rid of these unwanted feelings? I’d like to avoid ugly situations and discomfort.
— Girl Next Door
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DEAR GIRL NEXT DOOR: Talk to your father. Reveal the truth to him.
Express how unfortunate you feel the situation is, since both of you fell for the women in that family. Tell your father your intention to keep it platonic but also how hard you think it is going to be to manage your feelings, especially if you all start living under one roof.
Please know that your father will not have a magic wand to make things better, but he is the adult in this situation, and he should understand what you are going through. Together you can talk about your reality and figure out a way forward. You are old enough to live on your own, so keep that in mind as an option.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
