DEAR HARRIETTE: How can I encourage my frugal boyfriend to spend on himself?
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He and I both grew up struggling financially. While his family isn’t wealthy now, they’re getting by.
The issue is, my boyfriend hates going to the mall and buying things for himself. When he needs new clothes and is with me, we always go thrift shopping. To be honest, the price difference between thrift store items and new ones isn’t that significant. I think he’s just afraid of the idea of spending money on new items, assuming that mall prices are too high.
Every time I want to see him in new clothes, like for a special occasion or our anniversary date, I end up buying them for him. He never asks for them; I do it because I know he’ll wear them for the occasion if he has them.
I enjoy giving gifts, but sometimes I wonder why I’m scraping together my last bit of money when he actually has more than I do.
Any thoughts?
— Gift-Giving Dilemma
DEAR GIFT-GIVING DILEMMA: Stop buying your boyfriend’s clothes for him.
Let him buy what he wants and offer guidance when needed to be sure it is appropriate for the event at hand. He is a grown man and can buy whatever he chooses.
Give him space to decide how he wants to spend his hard-earned resources. Clothing clearly is not high on his list.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend forgot my birthday this month, and I have felt so sad ever since.
This year, I went all-out for her birthday and threw her a huge party, making sure every detail was perfect to show how much I care. It hurts that she couldn’t even remember when my birthday is, especially since we have been friends for six years and both live in Washington, D.C.
We have shared so many important moments together, and I thought our friendship was strong and meaningful to both of us. Her forgetting my birthday has made me question how much she values our friendship.
I don’t want to seem petty or make her feel guilty, but this has really affected me. I feel neglected and unappreciated, and it’s hard to shake off these feelings of disappointment. I value our friendship and don’t want this incident to create a rift between us, but I also want her to understand how much her forgetting my birthday hurt me.
What’s the best way to communicate my feelings and ensure that our friendship remains strong?
— Hurt Feelings
DEAR HURT FEELINGS: Sadly, you cannot assume that your best friend realizes she forgot your birthday.
It is understandable that this hurts your feelings. The only way she will be clear on how you feel is if you tell her.
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Do your best to be calm when you two speak. Inform her of how slighted you felt that she let your birthday pass without a word, let alone a celebration. Tell her that while you did not expect her to go all out as you did for her, you never imagined she would simply forget.
You have to decide what a strong friendship looks like and if she can deliver her side to it.
If forgetting your birthday was an anomaly, you can give her a pass. If she has forgotten your birthday and other special moments before, you need to either accept that this is how she is or take her off the “best friend” list.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
