DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for many years and have a partner.
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“Andy” is a widower whose wife died 20 years ago. We have been a couple for 13 years, although we don’t live together.
My son is 30, and his partner is 40. They have their own family and busy lives.
I met Andy while my son still lived at home, and he has never spent the night here. My elderly mother lives with me, so it’s easier that I stay over at Andy’s place. We talk most nights for an hour or so on the phone.
My issue is: Although Andy knows my extended family, and while I know his son’s story, I have never met his son. When I asked about it once, he said it was for “privacy” reasons and that his previous girlfriend never met his son either. I find this really odd.
My son doesn’t like Andy because of this. I don’t understand it, but I can live with it.
What is your take on it, please?
— MYSTIFIED IN AUSTRALIA
DEAR MYSTIFIED: My take is that, after 13 years, in the normal course of things, you should have met Andy’s son. There must be a reason why your partner is keeping you and his son apart.
People who are this concerned with privacy usually have secrets they are guarding. Finding out the reason for this is more important than your meeting his son.
DEAR ABBY: I will no longer spend time with my brother-in-law and sister-in-law.
This is because of their decades of lying, manipulation and lack of interest in anything that doesn’t suit them. (I will tolerate them at weddings, funerals, etc.)
My husband understands my decision and that I would never prevent him from spending time with them, but I won’t accompany him. I understand this may put him in a difficult position, but while I feel bad for him, I won’t change my position.
Abby, we need a good explanation about why I am absent. I don’t want him to lie by saying I had other plans or I’m not feeling well, but I also don’t want him to say that I despise them and refuse to be in the same room with them.
I’m taking the stand that everyone else in the family would like to take but won’t, since they all have enabled this bad behavior all these years. I’m the first to declare that I’ve had enough.
I want my husband to say something to them one time so they get the point and won’t expect to see me in the future. Any words of wisdom?
— ON THE OUTS IN FLORIDA
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DEAR ON THE OUTS: I do not think you should burden your husband by expecting him to be the bearer of that message.
If these relatives ask where you are, he should tell them you won’t be coming. And if they ask why, he should say, “Ask her.”
That would be the time to convey your message “one time only.”
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
