DEAR ABBY: My mom is a widow and has been dating a man.
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One day, after they went out, I noticed he had left his phone behind. I know it sounds horrible, but I snooped and found that he has been texting another woman.
He calls her “gorgeous,” offers to bring her food, tells her “sweet dreams,” sends her photos of himself, etc.
I always knew Mom could do better, and I had my suspicions about this guy. I am very protective of her. She has been through so much.
What do I do with this information? If I tell her, I’ll feel ashamed for looking in the first place. Please help.
— SNOOP IN MISSOURI
DEAR SNOOP: You have to tell your mother what you did and what you found.
Do not classify it as “he’s cheating,” because you don’t know for certain. Simply state the facts, then let her do her own investigating and draw her own conclusions.
DEAR ABBY: I am very close to my oldest sister’s three sons, especially “Lucas,” who is 38.
He and I have communicated often and have seen each other (we live in different states) over the years. In a way, I have been his confidant. He knows I love him like a son.
Lucas is a professional in a big city and earns excellent money. He’s well-liked and enjoys going out with friends.
We haven’t seen each other in a year and a half, and our phone/text communications have dwindled to nothing. When I spoke with him briefly a month ago, he was visiting my sister. He shared that he was having a “hard time” and said he would call. I have reached out since, but he has not responded.
Around the time of that last contact, his brother’s wife confided to me that Lucas has been struggling with a meth addiction and has lost a lot of weight. I was shocked and contacted his brother to confirm that this was true.
I almost hopped on a plane to see Lucas, but it’s clear that he’s avoiding me.
My family typically handles things with a “don’t ask, don’t tell” strategy. I’m very much up-front (I’m a licensed mediator). I also have learned much about addiction, and I’m very concerned about Lucas.
I have been having stress dreams about this. I am also struggling with letting my sister know, but I’ve been waiting to speak with Lucas. I’d really appreciate any advice you have.
— WORRIED AUNT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR WORRIED AUNT: It is possible that your sister already knows about her son’s addiction, particularly if it has wrought physical changes.
However, if she doesn’t know, I do not think you should be the bearer of this news. This is something Lucas must do on his own.
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I also think it would be a mistake to force an in-person encounter with your nephew.
If you would like to reach out to him and remind him how much you love him and tell him you know what is going on, I see no harm in that.
If, in the course of your profession, you have information that could benefit Lucas, by all means offer it. But freeing himself from his addiction is something he is going to have to do on his own, when he’s ready.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
