DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter “Marie,” who is a freshman in college, recently had an uncomfortable encounter with her cousin, “Amy,” who is a senior at the same school.
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They had a close relationship growing up, so I was surprised to hear what had happened.
The incident took place at a coffee shop on campus, where Marie ran into Amy. Naturally, Marie was excited to see a familiar face and approached Amy to say hello. However, according to my daughter, Amy looked directly at Marie, didn’t acknowledge her greeting and then simply turned away without saying a word.
Marie was left feeling confused, hurt and somewhat humiliated by the interaction.
My daughter looks up to her cousin and was really hoping to have her support and guidance as she navigates her first year of college. Now she’s feeling isolated and unsure of what she did to deserve such treatment.
Should I speak with Amy directly, or should I encourage Marie to talk to her cousin herself?
— Speak Up
DEAR SPEAK UP: First, encourage your daughter to reach out to her cousin and confront her about what happened.
She should ask why Amy ignored her. What possible reason did she have to do that?
It’s important for Marie to speak up for herself so that she stands in her power, even if it means that the two of them have no relationship right now. You can be backup if she needs to be consoled, but don’t meddle — yet.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter recently got a new job, and I’m just thrilled she has found a job out of college as the economy is very tough currently.
However, the pay at this job is low, and despite my encouragement, she refuses to consider other opportunities that might offer a better salary.
I’m proud of her for being so determined and sticking to her chosen path, but I can’t help but worry about the financial implications.
My husband and I are not in a position to provide significant financial support, yet we’ve already had to step in several times to help her out when she has faced unexpected expenses. I don’t want to pressure her into taking a job she doesn’t want, but I’m afraid that continuing down this path could lead to a situation where we’re all struggling financially.
How can I address this situation without causing tension or making her feel like I don’t support her career?
— Becoming Independent
DEAR BECOMING INDEPENDENT: Sit down with your daughter and talk about reality.
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Yes, she is starting her career and wanting to work in a field that fulfills her. That should be her goal — but you need to make it clear to her that you cannot afford to supplement her income for much longer.
Give her a timeline after which you will no longer give her money. Suggest that she design a path that gets her to her desired income. This may require taking on a second job or looking for a new one.
Your support today is a reality check that you then help to reinforce.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
