Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for 20 years and together for 27. We have four children together; the youngest is 11 and the oldest is 19.
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The last couple of years, we drifted apart to the point where my wife “checked out” of our marriage and started a relationship/affair/transitional partner.
I discovered the affair in January and really made many attempts to fix or change what was wrong in our relationship.
In that time, I learned that the best I could do is learn and grow as an individual, which I’ve done. It’s been a year since we have been intimate. We sleep in separate parts of the house and are working with mediators.
That said, we are still friends and still seemingly don’t want this to end (we haven’t even told our kids). The biggest concern is that my wife doesn’t seem to want to pull the trigger on making the commitment to make something happen.
I’m at a loss. It takes two. I don’t want to be over but I’m also tired of spinning my wheels.
My gut is 50/50; my heart doesn’t want to let go; and my brain says it’s time to move on.
– Love Lost
Dear Lost: You’re right – it does take two.
Your wife may see doing nothing as akin to not rocking the boat. But, in your marriage, it has the opposite effect. There’s a hole in the hull of your relationship and water is pouring in. If she’s not actively working on plugging the hole and bailing the water, she’s resigned herself to letting it sink.
It’s possible you and your wife are more misaligned than you think. If she’s also checked out of repairing the relationship, you may be in the boat alone. Find out what she really wants.
To do this, bring some questions to mediation. “What are our joint and individual plans for repair? Are we committed to taking the necessary steps?” The second question is a yes or no. There is no “not right now.” The boat, the rising water.
This is hard, I know. And I’m sorry. There’s probably some reluctance to hurt each other by pushing, one way or another. But being stuck where you are is hurting you still.
Let your wife know this. Ask for her help or resolve to step out of the boat and continue on dry land.
Dear Eric: In spite of my best intentions, I have unfortunately been a poor gift receiver as of late.
I had a baby last year, my first, and my family and friends blessed me so deeply as we prepared to receive him. I had not one, not two, but three(!) lovely showers given.
I truly did my best to keep up with thank you notes. I sent out the notes for the first shower within 30 days. The next shower, I sent out thank yous to the hosts and got through most of the guests. Then I had the baby.
For the third shower, given two weeks before I gave birth, I honestly cannot even remember if I sent out a thank you to my lovely hostesses. I know I bought cards to do so.
It has been nine months now. The only reason I think I can even attempt this now is because my baby has recently started sleeping through the night, which affords me evening hours I didn’t previously have.
I am truly ashamed of my tardiness but do still want to send my gratitude as I have been thankful every day in my heart for the clothes, supplies and support they offered.
Do you think it is appropriate to express an apology along with my thanks in these notes? And if so, how?
– Late but Grateful
Dear Grateful: The way you write to me, a stranger, is so filled with gratitude, authenticity and warmth that I can’t imagine a friend getting a thank you note from you and feeling anything but joy, no matter how late it is.
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You had a baby! Your life was turned upside down! You haven’t slept in nine months! You don’t have to offer an apology, but I think it would put your mind at ease.
So, try this: I hope you’ll accept this heartfelt thank you much later than I intended to send it. The whirlwind of life with a new baby was a lot to handle. Please know that the tardiness doesn’t reflect how grateful I am, as I have been thankful every day in my heart. (I used some of your words; they’re so lovely!)
Your family and friends aren’t standing by the mailbox, tapping their toes. I’m sure they’ll be happy to hear from you, but don’t feel like you have to over-apologize. I declare amnesty!
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
