Dear Eric: A high school acquaintance recently passed away and the first thought that came into my mind was what a bully he was to me.
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We did meet later on in life, and he was pleasant but, still, the fact that he bullied me was my first thought and how I remember him.
I can think of people offhand that I didn’t treat the best and I don’t want to be remembered negatively.
I have been looking forward since then and have worked to treat my current acquaintances and friends with patience and respect, but I’m wondering if it’s worth it to go back and apologize for the behavior of these past incidents.
– Want to be Remembered Positively
Dear Positively: That old adage is true: You never get a second chance to make a good first impression.
But an opposite sentiment deserves some love, too: It’s rarely too late to change a lasting impression.
Reach out to the people you feel you’ve wronged, acknowledge what you did and how it must have affected them, and ask how you can help rectify it.
It’s important that you’re coming from a place of wanting to make amends. You can’t do this just so that people won’t say mean things at your funeral. It should be, at least in part, altruistic and motivated by a desire to right what you set wrong.
Now, regardless of your intent, these people may not see things the same way you did. Maybe it didn’t bother them at all. Maybe they’re not in a place of forgiveness. But you lose nothing by trying.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have an active sex life. But, after sex, he says “thank you.”
I know he appreciates it, but I feel a bit cheap after hearing him say that. I would prefer something like “I love you.” I’ve told him that, but he doesn’t seem to understand.
Am I being petty, or should I expect more?
– No Thank You
Dear No Thank You: “Thank you” is sweet, but if it feels less like pillow talk and more like you just tipped a pizza delivery driver, then it’s not doing what he wants it to do.
Good sex is about good communication as much as anything else. So, he needs to hear what you’re saying and respond in kind, even if he doesn’t understand it.
Tell him again what you want. “I know what you mean when you say, ‘Thank you,’ but it means so much more to me if you say, ‘I love you.’ Can we try that tonight and see how that feels?”
Dear Eric: I’m responding to the letter from “Conflicted Ex.” Please encourage the ex-wife to request ongoing welfare checks on the little girl when she is with her father.
If he is willing to abuse his ex during a pickup, you can only imagine what he is capable of doing behind closed doors. That little girl should not be with an abuser, period.
– Concerned Reader
Dear Reader: Thank you for raising this point. Any visits, ideally, would be in the presence of a court-appointed monitor to ensure that the daughter is safe.
Dear Eric: Thank you for your wise response to “Conflicted.” I just wanted to add a note: As a victim of abuse when I was a toddler, it was my parents’ inability to say anything negative about my abuser that really distorted my sense of right, wrong and healthy boundaries as I grew up.
If a compassionate, present parent could have said, “What he did was wrong and I am going to do what I can to protect you from that,” it would have helped my growing mind. I encourage “Conflicted” to help her little one develop an ability to recognize and condemn abusive behavior in age-appropriate ways.
– Solidarity
Dear Solidarity: Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry you experienced this.
Dear Eric: In most state laws, domestic violence of the mother is considered irrelevant to the safety of the children. Your advice to “Conflicted” sets her up for consequences from a court, even possibly going as far as losing custody for alienating the child from her father.
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I was the director of a domestic violence center and later a divorce lawyer for many years. My own ex was violent with me, and I feared that he would be with our children. I had to find creative ways to keep my children safe until they were old enough (age 18) to make their own decisions about seeing their dads.
– Divorce Lawyer Who Has Been There
Dear Lawyer: Thank you for this guidance. This question generated a lot of feedback and the last thing I want to do is steer the letter writer wrong because of laws that are poorly written.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
