DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 45-year-old man, and I thought I had finally married the love of my life just six months ago.
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My husband and I share many of the same values, dreams and goals, and I was overjoyed to have found someone I could build a future with.
We dated for eight months prior to our marriage, but since getting married, he has started to change his personality. I don’t think my husband actually loves me anymore.
At first, I dismissed the red flags, convinced that I was overthinking things, but now it feels like the truth is staring me in the face. He’s distant and emotionally unavailable, and it feels like his affection is conditional and only present when I’m providing something for him.
The more I reflect on our relationship, the more I’ve started to believe that he didn’t marry me for love at all, but for my financial stability. It seems like he’s more interested in what I can provide than in building a genuine connection.
He’s stopped making any effort in our relationship, and whenever I bring up my concerns, he brushes them off or avoids the conversation entirely. Now I’m left wondering if I was ever really what he wanted. How do I confront him about this?
— Duped
DEAR DUPED: Ask your husband to come to a family meeting. Start by telling him you have some serious things to discuss, and you need him to participate. Do your best to get him to agree to listen and share.
Reveal your observations, and ask him what is going on with him. Point out what you call red flags, and ask him why he is behaving differently. Be direct. Ask him what has happened to impact his disposition.
Tell him what you want and need from him in your marriage, and ask if he can go back to providing those things.
If he is unresponsive or unwilling, suggest that the two of you go to counseling to work through your issues. If you are to be married for life, you must address the things that are creating challenges for you right now.
DEAR HARRIETTE: One of my closest friends is having a birthday this weekend. She is the kind of friend who bakes cakes for us on our birthdays, plans trips when we feel down and is always just a call away.
She crochets, paints, does DIY projects and gives personal, thoughtful gifts.
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Since I’m not artistic myself, what do you suggest I give her that would be thoughtful but easy to put together? She is quite well-off, and I can’t afford anything expensive at the moment, but I’d like to give her something meaningful. Thank you!
— Birthday Gift
DEAR BIRTHDAY GIFT: Good for you for thinking hard about this. One idea is to make a card for her. Inside, tell her it is an invitation to spend an afternoon together exploring your city or hiking in a popular park or going to the movie of her choice.
Spending time with her is invaluable. It shows that you are thinking about her and truly care. Giving her the opportunity to choose what you do together is a way to engage her and ensure that she is happy in the process.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
