DEAR ABBY: I have been married 27 years, and we have two kids. My wife recently revealed to me that she was raped when she was 14. She said it wasn’t violent.
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She also said she had several adult partners when she was 15 and 16.
We had discussed our past prior to marriage, and these things weren’t mentioned. If they had been, I wouldn’t have married her.
I have a hard time even looking at her now. I feel like telling her I want a divorce, but I’m looking for a second opinion about what I should do.
Am I being ridiculous for wanting a divorce over things that happened 35 years ago?
— THROWN IN MISSOURI
DEAR THROWN: Consent laws can be confusing and can change over time, and a lot may depend on the age of each partner. However, rape is rape.
When your wife was 15 and 16, an adult may also have been breaking the law by having sex with her, even consensually.
After all this, she might have benefitted from counseling (if any was offered).
Your wife may not have previously discussed this because she was afraid your reaction would be as over the top as it has been.
Before you decide to divorce her for being victimized as a teenager, I urge you to consult a licensed therapist either alone or with her. If you do, it will give you better perspective.
DEAR ABBY: My first real adult love was a woman named Sasha. We had a whirlwind romance in the mid-’80s. At the time, I thought she was The One.
The romance ended when she told me she was married. The last time I saw her was with her husband at a nightclub in the ’80s.
I moved on and married someone else in 1990. I do, however, think about Sasha sometimes.
I don’t remember her married last name, so I can’t locate her.
My wife thinks it’s insane that I would want to talk with Sasha. I want to ask her if our relationship was real and if she loved me.
When traveling in the area where I met Sasha, I would look at people to see if I might run into her.
Do you think I’m crazy to want to have just one conversation with Sasha?
— BITTERSWEET IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BITTERSWEET: It has been 40 years since your whirlwind romance with Sasha. What was a whirlwind romance for you may have been a fling for her.
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She should have told you from the beginning that she was married, but she didn’t, which leads me to think she didn’t love you. People who love each other try to protect each other.
Which leads me to your question. No, I don’t think you are insane, but I do think it’s time you stopped trying to revisit the past.
TO MY READERS: Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, begins at sundown. During this 24-hour period, observant Jewish people fast, engage in reflection and prayer and formally repent for any sin that might have been committed during the previous Hebrew year. To all of you who observe — may your fast be a meaningful one. –– LOVE, ABBY
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
