DEAR HARRIETTE: My siblings and I decided to surprise our mother by buying a house for her.
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When Dad passed away, she was left alone with my two younger siblings, ages 10 and 12. Now she has a boyfriend. We are not on good terms with him because we feel like he’s taking our mom away.
We let her know that we will not allow her boyfriend to live with her in the house that we bought for her. Now she is not coming home every day to take care of the two kids.
What do you think we should do?
— Family Conflict
DEAR FAMILY CONFLICT: Even though you have the best of intentions, you and your siblings have not handled this situation well. Your mother is a grown woman, yet you are treating her like a child.
Surprising her with a house was generous, but not mature. This should have been a decision you made with her blessing and with planning that included her.
It is natural that she would find a companion after your father died. While it is terribly unfortunate that he doesn’t seem to be the person you want for her, he is her choice.
Since you have banned him from her house, your mother is now torn between having companionship and caring for her children — and you and your siblings have contributed to that dilemma.
Your mother has to live her life. You need to back down. Let her know how you feel, but then stop trying to control her.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am the president of the parent-teacher association at my daughter’s school. At a recent meeting, the principal suggested that it is mandatory for us to buy food from the school canteen so that all the kids will have the same food and not feel jealous or envious of others who have more expensive options.
What do you think I should suggest so that we can all be on the same page while explaining that we prefer to bring healthier snacks from home rather than buying ready-made ones?
— Mandatory Canteen
DEAR MANDATORY CANTEEN: Take a quick poll from a few parents to get a sense of how other families feel about this idea. Do so discreetly, as you do not want to start a buzz about this sensitive topic.
With your polling data and your own feelings, schedule a meeting with the principal to voice your concerns. Though the principal’s intentions are good, there are many reasons why this thinking is flawed. In your case, you prefer to make fresh, healthy snacks. For other students, I’m sure there will be dietary or health restrictions.
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The very students the principal is trying to protect may be further embarrassed if they buy no snacks because their parents cannot afford to pay for them. Often, homemade treats are less costly than whatever might be available for sale.
You can recommend that this proposal not go through. Instead, perhaps you can work together to find other ways to ensure that all children feel valued, regardless of their economic circumstances.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
