DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend keeps telling others about my private business, and it’s starting to feel like a real betrayal.
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I recently started seeing someone new, and because my friend and I are very close, I shared the news with her. I was excited to tell her, and I trusted her to keep it between us. But almost immediately, I started hearing from other friends and even some casual acquaintances asking me about the new guy I’m seeing!
It’s frustrating because I’m still getting to know him, and I wanted to keep things quiet until I felt more comfortable and surer about the relationship.
I feel like my privacy has been invaded, and I’m beginning to question whether I can trust her with other personal things.
I know she probably didn’t mean any harm and was just excited for me, but this has really bothered me, especially because it’s not the first time she’s done something like this.
How should I confront her about this? I value our friendship, but I also need her to respect my boundaries and understand how important privacy is to me.
— Violated
DEAR VIOLATED: Your friend has previously proven to you that she cannot keep confidence. Since you know that, you cannot be mad at her now for acting in a way she has already demonstrated that she acts.
Is this sad? Yes, since you want to have someone to tell your secrets. But she has shown you that she cannot be trusted to do that. If you want to have a close friend with whom you can tell such intimacies, you have to seek out someone else.
Sure, you can reprimand your friend and tell her how disappointed you are that she violated your confidence. She will apologize and promise not to do it again, but the chances are great that she will, because this is what she does.
Instead, enjoy your guy, and enjoy your friend for who she is, but keep your eyes open for a new friend who may be better at keeping secrets.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My daughter is 17 years old and an incredibly talented ballerina. She has dedicated countless hours to her training, and it’s clear she has the potential to pursue dance as a career if she chooses.
She absolutely loves dancing; it’s her passion and something that lights her up. Still, as her mother, I’m increasingly worried about the toxic aspects of the dance world.
Recently, her coach began making comments about her needing to be thinner if she ever wants to go professional, and I can see how these remarks are affecting her. She’s already so disciplined with her diet and exercise, and I fear that focusing on her weight could lead to harmful habits or damage her self-esteem.
I don’t want her to compromise her health or sense of self-worth for the sake of meeting someone else’s unrealistic standards. At the same time, I know that dance is competitive, and that certain pressures come with the industry.
I want to support her dreams, but I’m torn between encouraging her and protecting her from a potentially harmful environment.
How can I help her through these pressures without ruining her love for ballet?
— Ballet Worries
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DEAR BALLET WORRIES: Encourage your daughter to eat in a healthy manner and tend to her body. Do not discourage her from her passion — it wouldn’t work, anyway.
Pay attention, and if you notice unhealthy behaviors, gently talk to her about her choices.
Her field is a tough one for body image. With your support, hopefully she will make smart choices along the way. As her interest in this career develops, it might be worth asking her doctor about healthy eating choices for ballerinas.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
