DEAR MISS MANNERS: My brother died of a sudden heart attack while having dinner with friends.
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One of his friends called me and I headed straight to the hospital, but it was too late.
Someone at the hospital gave me a bag of my brother’s belongings, which I took home and stuck in a closet while I dealt with calling family and friends, consoling my parents, making funeral arrangements, grieving, etc. (My brother was not married, and did not have a serious girlfriend at the time.)
After a few days, I decided to tackle the bag of personal belongings, where I came across my brother’s cellphone. It had run out of power and needed charging, so I plugged it in.
Almost instantly, it started pinging with messages — the vast majority of which were condolences from my brother’s colleagues. Most of them signed their names as “John Doe, Position at Company.”
Is it acceptable to send condolences to a deceased person’s telephone in the hopes that a family member will read them?
I proceeded to send a brief thank-you to each one, signing it “from the family.” Was this an acceptable way to handle it?
Some of the people who had sent messages then started calling my brother’s phone. When I answered, some were polite and civil, wanting to re-express their condolences. But others were inquisitive and prying (“How did he die? How long did it take the ambulance to arrive? Who was with him?” etc.), which made me regret answering at all.
I contemplated calling my brother’s boss just to ask her to tell everyone to stop calling.
What is the proper procedure in a situation like this?
GENTLE READER: Knowingly calling a deceased person’s phone is morbid, and quite frankly, lazy. Not only does it not replace a proper condolence letter, but it annoys and disorients a grieving family.
The obvious solution is to disconnect the telephone line. But if you cannot resist calling your brother’s boss, Miss Manners suggests that you at least do so with an excuse: Inform her where and when the service is — or at least where his colleagues may send proper written condolences, if they wish.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: At an evening event, I was introduced to a very high-profile individual.
While I was happy to meet him, it was impossible not to notice when he smiled or talked that he had something stuck between his two front teeth.
Had he been an old friend, I would have immediately and discreetly told him about it. Since this was our first meeting, though, I felt that doing so would be inappropriate, so I said nothing.
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Was I wrong? What could or should I have done?
GENTLE READER: Immediately and discreetly told him about it. One does not have to be old friends, Miss Manners assures you, to spare another human needless embarrassment.
And who knows? The resulting gratitude could have made you a new old friend.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
