DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 30-year-old woman, and my parents are constantly pressuring me to get married. The truth is, I don’t want to — ever.
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I’ve made a conscious decision to focus on my own passions, dreams and personal growth instead of pursuing a traditional path. However, this choice has been met with disappointment from my family, especially since I grew up in a traditional household.
As the eldest, I spent most of my childhood and teenage years helping to raise my younger siblings. I had to take on a lot of responsibility, including tasks that I felt should have been my parents’. It wasn’t just physically exhausting, but emotionally draining, too. I often felt like I didn’t have a childhood of my own.
This experience shaped my mindset, and I made a vow to myself that once I was older and independent, I would never subject myself to the pressures of having a family of my own. This decision feels right for me, but I can’t help but wonder if it sounds selfish to others.
My family sees marriage and children as essential parts of life, and their disapproval makes me question whether I’m being unfair or letting them down. How can I make peace with my decision and help my parents understand my perspective without feeling guilty?
— No Kids
DEAR NO KIDS: You are an adult, and you get to make your own choices. Yes, your parents and others may dislike those choices and may pressure you, but they cannot force you to do anything.
You also do not have to make a decision for life at this moment. I vowed that I would not have kids in reaction to a negative experience I had as a child. I was resolute. Something changed many years later. I had my daughter at age 42, and I am grateful.
You do not know what the future holds, but you also do not have to be forced to change your mind. You can ignore their comments and live your life.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I recently joined a nonprofit organization that focuses on environmental efforts, including tree-planting projects, as part of our school activities.
I was initially excited to contribute to such an impactful cause and give back to my community in a meaningful way. However, I’ve noticed that the group dynamic feels cliquey, making it hard for me to feel like I truly belong.
I’ve tried engaging with the members and participating in their discussions, but I often feel overlooked or excluded, which has been discouraging. What should have been a rewarding experience has instead become stressful and isolating.
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I genuinely believe in the organization’s mission and want to contribute to the cause, but I’m unsure how to improve these group dynamics without unintentionally alienating anyone.
— Bad Charity
DEAR BAD CHARITY: Human dynamics often muddy otherwise great causes. If you feel this organization is worth it, give it time. It takes a minute to find your tribe within any group.
Observe others and notice who best matches your temperament and interests. Then make the effort to connect with them. Over time, if it never feels welcoming, continue to give to the cause financially, but step away personally.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
