Dear Eric: My daughter and her boyfriend have been dating for eight years and got an apartment together about four years ago.
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They seem committed and happy and in love, but they split their living expenses like they are two roommates 50/50. My daughter makes about half of what her boyfriend does. I know she does more of the cleaning, shopping and pet care while her boyfriend spends his money on frivolous purchases.
I am protective of my daughter and want to make sure she knows that, generally, when couples are in love and living together and committed, they commingle their funds and don’t worry about keeping score. Is that still true in this day and age?
I also know that my daughter is sometimes reluctant to stick up for herself or expect more. Should I talk to my daughter and explain that generally committed loving partners support each other emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and … financially? Or perhaps I should talk to her boyfriend, man to man, and explain that, if he loves my daughter, he wouldn’t want her to stress about money.
Another part of me says that they are both adults and can make their own decisions and I should keep quiet.
– Unmarried Daughter’s Pop
Dear Pop: Your concern is understandable, but you’ll want to make sure that any action you take doesn’t undermine your daughter or the decisions she’s made for herself.
Many couples combine finances, but many others don’t, and it works just fine for them.
The way we spend our money reflects our values. So, if you want to talk to your daughter, start with a conversation about financial goals and motivations for spending and saving. Listening to how she sees her financial landscape may offer insight into why she’s chosen to organize her household finances like this.
Then ask if she’s open to advice (and heed the answer). If you feel that there’s a better way for the two of them to plan for their future, share that. Is the boyfriend contributing a portion of his income to a joint savings account or stock portfolio, perhaps?
She may or may not take your advice, and that’s OK. I’d hold off on criticizing the boyfriend’s frivolous spending, though. That’s not really your concern and will muddy the waters.
The chance that you’re offering is one from which we all could benefit: someone more experienced helping us to make smart financial decisions.
Dear Eric: My family and I will be traveling from California to the UK to visit my husband’s parents with our two kids.
During part of our stay, my husband’s brother, his partner and their young daughter will be joining us from Sweden.
We recently found out that my husband’s brother’s partner booked tickets for an event with Santa at a nearby stately home. It’s an event scheduled for when we’ll all be there together, but she didn’t extend the invitation to us and our children.
To make things harder, I had wanted to attend this event even before learning they would be going, and by the time I went to book, tickets were sold out.
Now, my kids and I won’t be able to attend, and my feelings are really hurt.
I don’t want to create tension within the family, but I’m struggling with how to approach this or even if I should. The partner has been difficult before and has not ever seemed to engage closely with us as family even though she has been with my husband’s brother for almost 20 years.
She is friendly but often makes her own plans without considering others. I send gifts to the daughter and photos of our boys, but it is always the brother who seems to be engaging with us as a family.
Thank you for any insights you can provide.
– Unhappy Holiday
Dear Holiday: You want to have a special holiday time, and you want to be thought of, both of which are reasonable. While it hurts to not be thought of, you can still create a special holiday moment.
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Asking Eric: I got scolded for moving a man’s stuff from a bookstore table. Was I wrong?
Presuming you haven’t hyped your kids up about the sold-out Santa, you can plan a trip to see (if you’re a child reading this, avert your eyes) another Santa in another home or tearoom or store.
Much of the tension here seems to be coming from a pattern of behavior rather than this one incident. You feel that she’s too self-involved. If you weren’t already stewing on this, the Santa event might not have made such an impact.
Because you live in different countries and, as you stated, she’s friendly, and the families aren’t at odds, I think you’ll be happier just accepting this part of her personality. Modifying your expectations might even help you to see some traits in her that you quite enjoy.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
