DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a family member who eats so slowly that everyone gets antsy waiting for her, especially the kids.
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She only starts seriously eating when everyone else is finished. She takes tiny bites, chewing very slowly, while everyone watches her.
It feels controlling and attention-seeking. How can I politely start serving dessert before she is finished?
GENTLE READER: In a loud voice, meant to be addressed to the antsy kids (whether or not they actually asked), Miss Manners suggests announcing, “Normally we wait until everyone is finished eating, but I don’t want to rush Cousin Sophie. With your permission, Sophie, we will start to clear the dishes. But please let us know when you are ready for dessert.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: One of my in-laws will wait for a person to finish speaking, then say something on a completely different subject. No “hmmm,” “interesting” or any other noncommittal word to acknowledge what the other person was talking about.
If someone mentions an upcoming job interview, for example, he will talk about an unrelated story in the local news. If they tell everyone about a great new restaurant, he will start talking about a movie series.
According to his wife, his reason for doing this is “not knowing what to say about it.”
If one of us wants to go back to the previous subject, before he changed it, would we be rude for doing so?
GENTLE READER: It depends on how you finesse it. Miss Manners would not want it to look as if you were doing the same thing to him.
She suggests modeling the correct way to segue in a conversation, saying, “I would love to hear more about that movie series, Jackson, but going back to that restaurant Caroline mentioned — I’ve been meaning to try it. You say they have good hummus?”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When we go out to eat, my husband sits there across the table from me and flirts with other women, whether they’re customers or restaurant workers. What should I say to him?
GENTLE READER: “Stop it.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When visiting our daughter, who is a graduate student, my husband and I went out to dinner with her, her boyfriend, her friend and the friend’s mother.
The mother is a single parent, and we have met her a few times.
My husband and I paid for the meal, which we thought was the polite thing to do. But thinking about it afterwards, we realized that if the friend’s mother had a husband, we presumably would have split the check.
Also, the friend’s mother is quite wealthy — in fact, wealthier than we are.
If we find ourselves going out again, how should we approach the check?
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GENTLE READER: Who is doing the inviting? This is the person who should pay, in most cases, regardless of wealth or marital status.
It would be gracious for this woman to reciprocate, but if you find that she is consistently not doing so, Miss Manners suggests you weigh the prospect of paying her portion (and resenting it) against the resentment of your daughter’s friend for having her mom excluded.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
