DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last summer, I attended a barbecue with my husband’s co-workers and their families. I was introduced to a co-worker’s wife, who was wearing a T-shirt commemorating her close relative’s untimely death a year prior.
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My husband had told me what happened at the time, and how devastating it was to her and the rest of the family.
I am always careful to express condolences, but this time I was at a loss and ended up saying nothing.
There were a number of reasons for this: I had never met the woman before, for one (I barely even know her husband), and the event was a casual and happy one, during which she and I only spoke briefly. And while I don’t feel that my husband crossed any lines in telling me what she’d gone through, I think it would have been odd for a stranger to comment on her personal tragedy out of the blue.
But she was wearing a shirt with his name and his birth and death dates on it! Did I do the right thing? Or should I have briefly mentioned her relative and how sorry I was for her loss?
She and her husband are such lovely people; I hope I didn’t drop the ball.
GENTLE READER: T-shirt messages do not always convey immediate, mandatory instructions.
Miss Manners has noticed that declarations such as “Kiss me, I’m Irish” (or “Italian” or whatever) have largely disappeared, perhaps because the wearers found they did not actually want strangers to comply.
A year after the tragedy, this woman might have just grabbed the shirt because it was handy. Commenting on it, or not, was up to your discretion.
However, Miss Manners will take this opportunity to once again remind her readers why condolence letters are so important. Having formally expressed sympathies at the time the tragedy occurred, one can avoid the awkwardness of bringing it up later in a more cheerful setting. But as you are careful about expressing condolences, Miss Manners assumes that your husband already sent such a letter.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: At casual restaurants and upscale establishments alike, I am frequently served a large piece of meat perched atop a too-full bowl — say, a large piece of grilled chicken on an overflowing salad bowl, or tennis-ball-sized meatballs perilously balanced on a full bowl of pasta.
What is a graceful way to cut the featured protein? Do I place it on a bread plate, exposing the cutting process to my dinner companions? Or do I eat around the meat until the bottom of the dish becomes visible?
GENTLE READER: Apply gentle pressure with your knife and fork to separate the meat into smaller pieces on top of the rest of the meal — without, obviously, causing the rest of the bowl to overflow in the process.
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This method has the advantage of ensuring that each bite of protein is accompanied by some salad or pasta, which is usually the point of the addition in the first place.
But if the task proves impossible, Miss Manners suggests you ask the server for another plate (the bread plate is usually too small), or proactively inquire as to whether the meat is pre-cut before ordering.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
