DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have friends who seem to think every little milestone should be celebrated like a small wedding.
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They hold celebrations and attach a wish list, sometimes with hundreds of gift ideas, to every invitation. Birthday parties, gender-reveal parties, baby showers (for every child, often asking for a box of diapers as well as a gift), housewarming parties … it’s never-ending.
Should I mention that a thank-you card is never issued? Never. No “Thank you for coming” words are spoken. There is no real heartfelt appreciation for attendance or gifts.
I feel guilty declining these invitations, but at the same time, I honestly believe these are just gift-grabbing events. I do think I would feel differently if there was some feeling of genuine appreciation.
I would like to just decline the invitations, but it has been expressed to me that I should let the host know why I’m declining.
GENTLE READER: Indeed, there are people who think of life as a series of gift-grabbing events. And there are others who assume that people only marry, go to school or have children in order to collect from others.
That is a lot of nastiness to place on the ordinary milestones of life.
However, Miss Manners sadly notes that it does sound as if that is what your friends are doing. That they can manage to keep sending out their shopping lists, but not any thanks to the targeted shoppers, has accurately told you their priorities.
Small wonder you do not want to feed their greed. The only polite way to tell them that is to refuse their invitations, which you have done. And they are not listening.
Oh, wait: Miss Manners just thought of another polite way.
Presents may be customary, but they are not compulsory. Therefore, you could attend the parties but choose not to add to the warehouse. Should your friend be so crude as to mention the omission, you could say, “I am just happy to celebrate with you. And I know you have a lot of stuff.”
Oh, maybe not.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am pregnant, and I’d like to host a coed party to celebrate it.
Not a baby shower: I do not want any gifts, and I do not want anyone else to have to shoulder the burden of hosting. And not a gender-reveal party, because I think they are a little embarrassing and emphasize something that isn’t important to me. So that’s out, too.
What do I call this party?
GENTLE READER: You have to name the baby, but what makes you think you have to name the party?
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Miss Manners knows the answer. Cooperative dinners and restaurant excursions have taken over ordinary socializing, to the exclusion of just-for-fun parties. The exception is milestone celebrations, so you feel you must name one — but as you note, those come with expectations.
You just want to have a pleasant time with your friends. To that end, Miss Manners suggests that you simply call it “a party.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
