DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a stepmother to a 15-year-old girl, and I’ve been struggling to like her.
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She moved in with my husband and me full-time last year, and while I knew this transition wouldn’t be easy, I didn’t anticipate how much tension it would bring into our household.
She’s opinionated, moody and often disrespectful to both me and her father. She talks back, doesn’t follow house rules and makes little effort to build a relationship with me.
I’ve tried to be patient and understanding, reminding myself that she’s a teenager dealing with her parents’ divorce and a new living arrangement. Still, I can’t shake the resentment that’s building up.
What makes it harder is that my husband and I don’t always agree on how to handle her behavior. He often takes a more lenient approach, while I feel like we need to enforce stricter boundaries. This has led to arguments between us, which adds to the tension.
How can I work on improving my relationship with my stepdaughter and managing my own feelings of frustration?
— Stepmother
DEAR STEPMOTHER: You and your husband have got to come to an agreement on household rules (including clearly defined penalties when they are broken), which you commit to enforcing together.
Continue to offer love to your stepdaughter, but do so while reinforcing what respectful behavior looks like. Address the disrespectful communication, and make it clear that it’s unacceptable. Establish consequences that you reinforce. Also, create many opportunities to bond and show your loving support — even if it’s hard for you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m struggling to cope with the toxic dynamics within my team at work.
Instead of collaborating to solve problems or improve processes, it feels like everyone is constantly pointing fingers and blaming one another for mistakes. This blame game has created a tense and unproductive environment, and it’s starting to take a toll on my motivation and overall job satisfaction.
For example, during a recent project, a deadline was missed due to a lack of clear communication between team members. Instead of coming together to figure out what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future, the team resorted to a round of accusations and defensiveness. No one wanted to take responsibility, and nothing productive came out of the conversation.
It’s frustrating because these situations seem to repeat themselves, and the underlying issues are never addressed.
I want to address this issue, but I’m unsure how to do so without putting myself in a vulnerable position. I don’t want to come across as overly critical or risk alienating myself from the team further.
How can I create a more positive and cooperative atmosphere within my team?
— Teamwork
DEAR TEAMWORK: Consider bringing in a team-building expert to give your team tools to work together better.
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They can learn exercises to agree to disagree and to work together despite differences of opinions or work styles. Many companies have found such outside coaching helpful.
Internally, create group incentives such that if the team reaches a goal on time and well, everybody benefits. Encourage them to make the effort to work together and to support one another by drawing upon their strengths.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
