Dear Eric: This is a small problem, but I’m not sure how to handle it.
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Our entire family of 10 exchanges gifts for Christmas. One family just gave my son something that looks cheap and probably purchased at a secondhand store (and this isn’t the first time).
He was furious, as he spent $100 on each of their family members.
I told him to be gracious and just maybe spend less next year, but he doesn’t even want to give them anything next year.
Do you have any advice for “very cheap” gift givers (who are comfortably wealthy)?
– Re-Gifted
Dear Re-Gifted: If I’m reading this correctly, each family gives gifts to the other branches of the family and your son was tasked with buying on your branch’s behalf this year.
If that’s true, then I understand his frustration. (If I’m not and each person gives all 10 other people gifts, then I’d like to submit an application to join your family.)
Thinking charitably (and what is a gift exchange if not charitable), the other family may have picked out the secondhand gift as something your son would like, a unique, even considerate gesture. But maybe they’re just inconsiderate gift-givers. Such is the risk we take when giving and receiving gifts.
You can avoid this in the future by setting a price limit on gifts and advising your son to adjust his expectations. Or you can elect someone else to do the buying.
Dear Eric: I love my family. I went away as the gay black sheep but always have tried to be the one who gives back.
I paid for college and a Ph.D. on my own steam (scholarships and three jobs). I have sent multiple gifts to everyone in the family over the years, despite my crushing student loan debt. I paid for my niece’s RN program after my brother abandoned her. I head home every holiday, give more cash, spend time.
Now, I’m at a breaking point.
Over the past five years, my dad’s alcoholism has taken over. I’m 45 and am simply exhausted and want to start taking the holidays for myself, but it will devastate the family.
He will not accept Alcoholics Anonymous or any help. He is a product of the 1950s, and experienced trauma after his own father died by violent gun suicide when Dad was 12.
Giving them so much money and time has resulted in me not having enough for a down payment for my own home, despite being reasonably successful. But I’ve created these expectations, maybe because I wanted to be the healer in the group.
How do I disentangle but be present, but let them know I can’t always be there?
– Healer
Dear Healer: I say this with compassion: It’s time to stop trying to fix your family and heal yourself.
You describe yourself as the gay black sheep, so it makes sense that you’d respond to feelings of rejection by trying to earn your family’s love through your achievements, and by giving them money and sacrificing yourself.
But, as you’re discovering, this behavior doesn’t fill up an emotional bank. It tosses time, money, and energy down a bottomless well.
Talking to a counselor who works with LGBTQ+ folks will give you the tools to separate what’s yours and what belongs to your family. In therapy, you can also practice having conversations that set better boundaries. This won’t be easy, and it won’t always feel good, but, with practice, you’ll get better at it.
Even though your father won’t go to Alcoholics Anonymous, look into Al-Anon (al-anon.org) or SMART Recovery Family Groups (smartrecovery.org) for yourself. These groups can help you process your father’s alcoholism and the inherited trauma. Also, I recommend the book “Codependent No More” by Melody Battle.
In the short term, pick one boundary that you’re going to experiment with setting. Maybe it’s not giving out checks, maybe it’s missing a holiday. Imagine the worst response to setting that boundary and ask yourself, “Will that response, if it happens, destroy me or the family?” It won’t. Healthy boundaries help everyone.
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After you’ve imagined the worst, set the boundary and stick to it. You may get pushback, but you’ll also get a little bit of freedom.
Dear Readers: In case you missed it on Tuesday, I have a new play opening tonight in Oregon at Portland Center Stage. While my work in this column focuses on offering solutions, my work as a playwright involves gleefully creating problems for fictional people. This play, “Mrs. Harrison,” finds two supposed college friends with a doozy of a problem and no way to resolve it. It’s funny, it’s incisive, it’s about 80 minutes long. If you’re in the area, please check it out. I’ll be on a panel before the show at the theater on Saturday, Jan. 25, 2025.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
