Dear Eric: My 65-year-old brother Greg is dying. Lately, he has wanted to talk about how he has no regrets about the “wonderful” life he has led.
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Now he’s pressing me to tell him I have no regrets about my life, which has only caused me to think about how many I do have.
When we were growing up, Greg made my life hell. He bullied me mercilessly; he threatened me with sexual abuse.
My parents were too busy dealing with his teachers or the police calling about Greg fighting or setting fires.
I do have to credit him for turning his life around when he was 30. He dove into a New Age religion and made a career out of helping other troubled adults get past their traumas.
In his 50s, Greg went on a mission to make amends to all the people he had hurt earlier in his life. When he approached me, I thought I would finally be getting the apology I had waited for my whole life. But he claimed to have forgotten the specifics of any of the horrific things he’d done to me.
I know Greg’s no-regrets mantra is his way of accepting his impending death. But I can’t tell this mostly unrepentant brother that I have no regrets. Just growing up in the wrong family was bad enough.
What do I say to him about all this?
– Trying to Reframe My Perspective
Dear Perspective: “Know your truth and tell your truth.” So said Kent Matthies, a therapist at Council for Relationships, when I consulted him about this letter.
Timing and your brother’s condition is a factor here. If he’s, for instance, in and out of consciousness, you may not be able to have a conversation that’s productive for you. Telling your truth may instead look like talking to a friend, a therapist or a support group for abuse survivors.
Next, Matthies advised to ask for what you need. It might be to your brother, but it can also be to others in your life. Particularly to intimate partners – don’t be afraid to talk about where you are and what will help you feel safe.
You’ve been conscripted unwillingly into your brother’s narrative. So, the goal is for you to find ways to define the story for yourself and reclaim your power.
That may mean forgiving, but that’s not a given. It could also look like everyday self-care practices, engaging with nature or music, or being in community, said Matthies. “Yes, this really matters, and there’s also a whole planet here. It can be easy to feel like this is our whole world.”
When dealing with those who have harmed us but refuse to acknowledge the harm, Matthies advised to “allow yourself to grieve in whatever way you need to, in a supported manner that’s effective to you.” There is no timeline and there is no perfect grief.
Your brother may not be what you need to process your pain. You don’t have to have no regrets. But acceptance of what the truth is and where you are emotionally is possible.
You don’t have to play a part in your brother’s no-regrets outlook, either. You aren’t required to be what he wants in this story.
Dear Eric: A childhood friend and I communicate every few months or so via email – brief messages of a few lines.
We live across the country from each other. He’s not a techie so we can’t use FaceTime, etc.
In his emails, he wants my thoughts on issues, then after I spend considerable time answering and providing my thoughts, I hear nothing back. Crickets.
After not hearing back I asked if he received my email. His response? Nothing.
Recently we were in Europe for five weeks and he emailed wanting to know all about what we saw, the food and the people. I am not going to reply to the latest inquiry as I’m sure I won’t hear back.
He’s a college grad, was a school administrator and seems social. I have decided not to send any details of our most recent trip or any other inquiries that require more than a few, very brief lines.
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Honestly, I’m totally fed up with putting considerable time and effort into an email only to hear nothing in response. Why do people do this?
– No More
Dear No More: Time to pick up the phone. Even if he doesn’t FaceTime, if he has a computer, it stands to reason he also has a device that will receive phone calls.
If you enjoy communicating with him but hate his bad email etiquette, a quick catch-up phone call takes away the strife. It also creates a great opportunity for you to ask, “If you’re so interested in my thoughts, why don’t you ever write back?”
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
