Dear Eric: I had cancer a few years ago and as a result I lost my hair.
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It grew back in patches, but I still appeared to be bald. I purchased a wig that was my hair color and my hairstyle.
My dilemma is, I don’t know how to reply to those who compliment my hair not knowing it is a wig. If I just say “thank you” I feel like I am lying. If I tell them it’s a wig, they usually appear embarrassed and wish they hadn’t said anything.
Do you have any suggestions?
– Hair Dilemma
Dear Dilemma: I have a friend who sometimes wears wigs. On occasion, people with poor impulse control will ask her “Is that your real hair?” To which she responds, “Of course, it’s my real hair. I bought it.”
I empathize with your desire to not mislead, but you don’t owe anyone any more commentary on your hairstyle than you feel comfortable with.
So, in response to compliments, try to practice saying “thank you” or even “yes, I’ve always liked this style” without judging yourself. Remind yourself that if someone is going to feel deceived should they find out the hair they so enjoyed didn’t come from your scalp, that’s a reflection of their poor character, not yours.
Similarly, any embarrassment is theirs to negotiate, too. So, if you want to celebrate the journey you’ve been on by talking about the wig openly, do that with pride. You never know who you might encourage.
Dear Eric: My husband and I have a close relationship with another couple. Their daughter, two years out of college and gainfully employed, lives with them.
When we are invited to have dinner or drinks at this couple’s house, the daughter often joins.
We are not generally informed ahead of time that she will join; instead, the couple says something at the last minute like “We hope you don’t mind, but our daughter will be joining us.”
Actually, we do mind.
The daughter is unfriendly and uncommunicative. She barely greets us or acknowledges our presence, and speaks only to her parents on subjects that don’t include us. This puts a damper on the occasion, as normal conversation among all participants is nonexistent.
We do not take this personally; she exhibits the same behavior to other people and has very few friends her own age.
Our friends are aware that their daughter is antisocial. They don’t encourage this behavior but apparently have not insisted that the young woman be nice to their friends during social occasions.
How can we best navigate future invites to our friends’ home? We are happy to suggest our house, or a restaurant, but our friends are perceptive and will recognize this maneuver for what it is: an attempt to avoid their daughter.
– Reluctant Guests
Dear Guests: Initially, I thought that compassionate directness was the best path forward, but upon further reflection I think compassionate putting-up-with-it-ness is the way to go.
How often are these invites coming? Once a month? Twice? Spending an evening with your friends’ daughter may not be your idea of a good time, which is understandable, but it’s better than asking your friends to choose between her and you.
It would be different if they were bringing her along to your house or to restaurants. But they’re not. Yes, the daughter has some opportunities for developing a social life of her own. But by your account the parents know this and are likely doing what they can to help ease the transition.
You don’t have to say yes to every invite to their house. And you can initiate plans on your own for just the four of you whenever you’d like. Indeed, it might be helpful if you take the lead on this more. But trying to ice out your friends’ daughter will just alienate them.
Dear Eric: I was moved to respond to the writer whose mother has become mean toward her since the loss of her husband and son (“Distant Relatives”). I would encourage the letter writer to consider cognitive decline as a possible cause.
My mother and I always had a challenging relationship, but in her late 70s her behavior toward me got really mean. It was only in hindsight that I realized it was the beginning of her mental decline.
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When she became mean to her favorite granddaughter, we all began to realize something was wrong and she was diagnosed with age-related dementia.
– Been There
Dear Been There: Per the Alzheimer’s Association, personality changes can, indeed, be a sign of cognitive decline or other health issues. The letter writer should consider speaking with her mother’s primary care physician or another medical professional. The association website also has good resources and other warning signs.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
