Dear Eric: My husband and I have two daughters, both in their 40s. The younger one has a career, is married and pays her own bills. The other has never been functional and ebbs and flows in and out of stability.
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She has a volatile and intense personality. She has a husband who is disabled, and they live on the husband’s disability income.
No one in the house has any hobbies or even leaves the house except to go to many, many doctors, none of which “work for her.”
We do our best to support them as we can, which usually means having them over for dinner, helping to keep their cars running, and generous gifts on their birthdays and holidays, but several times a year this daughter will come at us aggressively about some perceived slight.
We’ve come to believe that there is not enough time, money or love in the world to make any significant difference in their lives or our relationship. We are currently on a communication break because she showed up unannounced at our house screaming at the most recent imagined slight.
We’re not sure if or how to renew the relationship without just setting ourselves up for the next attack. How do we maintain a relationship with her without feeling like we are just beating our heads against the wall?
– Exhausted Parents
Dear Parents: As parents who’ve witnessed her lifelong struggles – be they the result of emotional or mental imbalances, personality issues, or some combination thereof – you naturally want, and feel a responsibility, to relieve her suffering. It’s frustrating and painful for you and for her that you can’t.
But this is not a failure on your part.
Continuing to hold a very clear, strict boundary about communication will help everyone involved. That may look like telling her “If you are upset, write it down in a letter – not a text. We will read it when we’re emotionally ready to and then we can jointly figure out how to address it, if at all.”
It will probably be hard for her to understand that the narrative in her head isn’t one that you are responsible for nor one that you have to be a part of. But processing those feelings is her work to do.
An equal part of this healthy boundary is recognizing the places where you and your husband are trying to fix things that are beyond your control and releasing them. You would likely do anything to solve her problems, but being available to be browbeaten whenever she wants is not a solution.
If you can work on letting go of the expectation you have of yourselves, you’ll also find it easier to maintain a boundary that can actually lead to change.
Dear Eric: I have an acquaintance whom I avoid every chance I get.
Not only does this woman latch onto me every time she sees me, but the worst part, besides not being able to get away from her, is the deplorable way she speaks of her daughter.
She controls her every move and puts her down every chance she gets. Her daughter, in my opinion, was a very sweet, loving child, but as an adult she is now a heroin addict with no direction.
This woman gripes incessantly on how she sees others with their children and how proud they are, but she has nothing to be proud of. And she still wants to control her daughter who is now 30, and all the while talks terribly about her.
Should I continue listening to her nonsense, or should I give her a mouthful of the home truths about her daughter that she deserves?
– Exasperated
Dear Exasperated: Should you continue wasting your time? In this one precious life? No.
Dear Eric: I am in a group of friends who have socialized with each other for more than 30 years.
About a year ago one of the couples moved into a continuous-care community due to physical and cognitive issues. Surprisingly, only two people from our group have taken the time to visit with them during this time.
At a recent social gathering, I began to tell the group about my visit. Before I could finish, the group moved on to another topic.
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It’s really sad how we write off people once they become ill or disabled. Please remind your readers that friends and family who are homebound or in care facilities enjoy the company. Even one hour of your time can make their day.
– Concerned Friend
Dear Friend: While this isn’t a question, it’s a good reminder for everyone. And also, an opportunity for you. I hope you’ll take the chance to speak with your friends about how their perceived callousness struck you.
Sometimes friendship means showing up; sometimes friendship means calling out.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
