DEAR HARRIETTE: I need help dealing with a co-worker who shares way too much about their personal life.
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Every day at work, they corner me with long-winded stories about their relationship drama, family conflicts, financial struggles and even embarrassing medical details.
At first, I listened out of politeness, but now it’s become overwhelming. I find myself dreading our interactions because I know I’ll be stuck in another TMI conversation that I never asked for.
The worst part is that they don’t seem to pick up on social cues. I’ve tried giving short responses, looking busy and even excusing myself, but they just keep talking.
I don’t want to be rude or hurt their feelings, but I also don’t want to spend my workday as their personal therapist. How do I set clear boundaries without making things weird at work? Is there a way to shut down these oversharing sessions politely without coming across as unfriendly?
— Oversharer
DEAR OVERSHARER: It’s time to be direct. You have to get this co-worker to understand when it’s time to stop.
Before they start in on a story, interrupt and say, “I’m so sorry, but I cannot listen today. I have a deadline and can’t talk.”
Or you can be even more specific: In a private moment, tell your co-worker you are finding it uncomfortable when they share so much about their personal life with you. Explain that you care about them and want to recommend they not reveal so much at work.
If they balk, you will have to tell them it’s too much information for you to hold. Ask them to please stop.
Yes, it may be awkward at first. But you should not have to shoulder the burden of your co-worker’s life story in order to keep the peace. Why? You are not experiencing peace anyway. So stop it.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I was in a relationship with a woman for about two years. It started soon after she broke up with her husband.
She had told me how he didn’t give her gifts and generally didn’t make her feel special, so I went overboard showering her with expensive gifts and trips — anything I could think of that would make her happy.
We had a great time together for a while, but then it seems as if she got tired of me. She broke up with me, and now I’m feeling used. I spent a lot of money and time on her, and I wonder if she got what she wanted and then left.
I want to tell her how I feel, but I’m not sure it will make any difference. Should I say something?
— Used
DEAR USED: If you still speak with your ex, you can ask her if it’s possible to have a conversation.
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Tell her that you respect her decision to break up, and you recognize that it can be hard to enter a new relationship after ending a marriage. Add that your feelings are hurt, not just because she has chosen not to stay with you, but also because you feel like she welcomed all of the lavish experiences and gifts you gave her — seemingly without understanding that you did that out of love for her, believing it was reciprocal. Tell her you feel used.
In the future, withhold lavish gifts until you are solid and in sync in your relationship.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
