DEAR HARRIETTE: “Open Door” told about her ex-husband looking for a place to stay after breaking up with his longtime girlfriend. My first husband tried something similar with me.
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He called crying, saying he was homeless and hungry. He claimed he’d stay just until his girlfriend got out of jail, and then they’d go live with her grandmother. “Please,” he said, “I need to come home.”
It was my home. He willingly left it years earlier for greener pastures.
I picked him up and got him something to eat. He spent the whole time talking about coming back “home.”
You should have seen the look on his face when we pulled up to the Salvation Army. I told him that his home with me no longer existed.
To “Open Door”: Don’t let him use you and throw you away again. I cried for days, but I did the right thing.
— The Right Thing
DEAR THE RIGHT THING: I so appreciate receiving feedback from my readers about some of these tough situations.
You were kind and clear. You did not allow him to cross your boundary, and you gave him a short-term option. Good for you.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My mom passed away this year suddenly and tragically. I am still in shock about it.
I was her only child. All we had was each other, and that’s all I let her leave with.
I never graduated from college or had a great career; I never bought her a house or helped her move out of the one she raised me in.
I feel like I failed her, and I hate knowing that she is gone now and won’t ever see me do those things in the future.
Where does motivation come from when you’re drowning in guilt and sorrow? Do the things I’m worried about even matter?
— Lost Without Mom
DEAR LOST WITHOUT MOM: My sincere condolences to you on the loss of your mother. A mother-child relationship at any age can be one of the dearest that a person has.
A sudden loss can deeply unnerve you, as has happened to you.
First, give yourself grace. It takes time to mourn and to heal after such a devastating loss. Your mind is taking you to all of the things you did wrong or could have done better — stop playing that tape.
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It seems that you and your mother were close. I’m sure she loved you. We all have setbacks and disappointments. Do not beat yourself up over things you cannot change. You must learn to forgive yourself. It will take time, but it is essential for your well-being.
Consider getting bereavement counseling. You can find it through your house of worship or with a professional therapist. It helps to have someone to talk to and to guide you to the unique care that you need to tend to yourself during this tender time.
Finally, live your life in a way that would make your mother proud. Finish college. Get a great job. Be kind and generous to others. In that way, you will honor her legacy.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
