DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m at a crossroads with my girlfriend.
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In our house, we share many of our bills. I take care of rent and the car payment for our shared vehicle, and she is supposed to take care of utilities.
She has had a history of being a bit reckless with her spending, and I thought that with some of the bills in her name, it might help her to be more responsible — but I don’t see a difference. I actually feel like she thinks of me as a crutch.
For example, I found out she doesn’t always pay our bills on time, and when she doesn’t, she will often ask me to help cover the late fees. I’ve encouraged auto-pay, but she doesn’t listen.
My girlfriend also gets an obscene number of parking tickets on the car, which I have been left to pay for, and it’s getting to be too much for me. I asked her to stop driving the car for a bit until I finish paying off the tickets because I don’t want to get a boot put on the car. She complied, but for a few days only.
By the end of the weekend, she went out with the car, and the next morning when I went out to walk our dog, I discovered that the back of our car was totally smashed. I asked her about it, and she said she meant to tell me about it, but she forgot.
The love is there, but I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. Is it time to move on?
— Irresponsible Girlfriend
DEAR IRRESPONSIBLE GIRLFRIEND: You two need to talk about reality and the future. Discuss what you want in a relationship and what is happening. Tell her you want to build a life with her, but you cannot be with someone who is so irresponsible.
She needs to get her act together and stop making messes for you to clean up. See if she will make a consistent effort. If not, cut your losses.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am in my early 40s, and I’m fortunate that I have not had to grieve many deaths during my adult life.
Several months ago, a lifelong friend passed away suddenly, and it was devastating. A few friends sent me flowers or care packages in condolence. While I was touched by their thoughtful gestures, I could not bear to have these things in my home, as they were constant reminders that my friend is gone.
I took the flowers to a senior center and the care packages to the food bank. I thanked everyone graciously for their gifts, commented that they were lovely and didn’t mention that I had passed them along.
When I told my father what I had done, he told me it was petty of me to get rid of those gifts.
Anytime I looked at the items, I would start sobbing. Months later, I still feel like it was the right choice for me.
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I know that there will be more loss as life goes on, so I wonder: Can I continue to pass along condolence gifts, or should I somehow make it known that condolence gifts are not for me?
I am trying to be sensitive to the loving people around me, but I know that such gifts will break me down rather than lift me up.
— Thanks, But No Thanks
DEAR THANKS, BUT NO THANKS: You do not need to tell your friends to stop showing their love. No need to make them feel bad. The way you handled it was perfect. If your father disapproves, there’s no need to tell him, either.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
