Dear Eric: Over the years my husband and I have given our son and daughter-in-law many gifts such as kitchen appliances, furniture, a car and other expensive items.
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These gifts have always been presented to both of them. Our daughter-in-law has never acknowledged this. We don’t understand why.
Our daughter-in-law has a very strong personality. She is dominant in the marriage. Although we all live in the same town, holidays are spent with her family; the grandchildren spend the majority of their free time with her family.
We have addressed this with our son, but his reply is, “Do you want a divorce in the family?”
We have college funds for their children and will soon be starting tuition payments. Is our son’s acknowledgment of our gifts enough?
We feel sad about this situation but hesitate to bring it up with either of them. Love to hear your opinion.
– Slighted Grandma
Dear Grandma: It’s worth considering your son’s acknowledgement as a blanket thanks from the whole family.
Sure, the right thing for your daughter-in-law (and the kids) to do is to also make sure you know the gifts are appreciated. But, for many families, one thank-you note suffices.
I’m curious about your son’s comment regarding divorce. That, coupled with your observations about the imbalance in family together time, suggests to me that perhaps the underlying issue isn’t so much gift acknowledgement as it is a personality clash between you and your daughter-in-law.
If you don’t like the way that your son’s marriage works, then other things are likely to pop up and rankle you.
You’re entitled to your opinion, of course, but, at a certain point, it’s helpful to let go of some of those opinions and let your son own the choices he’s making.
It’s also possible that your generosity has been an attempt to win more quality time with the family. I can see that logic. If you pay for the children’s tuition or give the family a car, it stands to reason they’d make a point to show their gratitude by seeing you more. It doesn’t always work that way, though.
Try, if you can, to also uncouple those expectations from the gift-giving, even if it means giving less. But, if you want to see your son, your grandkids or even your daughter-in-law more, you can and should ask for that directly.
Dear Eric: I am struggling with a friend issue.
She is 74 and I am 73. We were roommates in the ’70s and have been friends ever since. She is like an aunt to my two children.
She was married once but has no children and has been divorced for decades. Other than her older brother, who is 80, she doesn’t really have any close family, although two nephews will inherit everything.
I am on several accounts of hers, I’m her medical power of attorney, etc. I am always there if she needs something but she seems to reach out and talk to other friends more.
I feel like she is just not there with me anymore.
She has gotten rid of other friends in the past and complained about other people, but now they are her new best friends.
We talked briefly today but she was more concerned about a retirement account. I had scheduled an arm surgery for later this month, and she knew I had a doctor’s appointment but didn’t have time to even ask me about it.
Where do I go from here? It’s painful and I thought we were like family.
– Ignored Friend
Dear Friend: A “state of the friendship” conversation is always a good way to clear the air and hit reset, if need be.
You’ve been friends for a long time, and you’ve changed and changed again over the years. So, the things that each of you needs from the relationship are probably much different than they used to be. That may indicate incompatibility, or it may be an opportunity to rethink how you show up for each other.
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She trusts you enough to be her medical and financial advocate, but what you want is the trust – and curiosity – of a close confidante. I can see how this situation might make you feel a little used, as if you were an employee rather than a friend.
Try to chalk it up to being taken for granted and talk to her about that. “I feel that our conversations are more ‘all-business’ than I’d like. Have you noticed that, too? I’d like to share what’s going on with me and I’d like to feel closer. Is that something you’re open to working on?”
From there, you can talk about your hope that she’d ask about you more and invite her to share what she wants from your friendship.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
