DEAR HARRIETTE: My twin sister just got engaged. She met her fiance about two years ago.
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He is close friends with some of our cousins who live in New Jersey. We live in Florida and have our whole lives, meaning for the entire time they were dating, they were long-distance. They’d see each other every three or four months, which isn’t often enough in my opinion.
Of the two of us, people usually say I’m more reserved or more cautious, but I have valid concerns. I want to be happy for my sister, but I want her to take her time in making a decision that will impact the rest of her life.
How do I share my concerns without sounding like the jealous twin who’s not ready to lose her sister?
— Concerned Twin
DEAR CONCERNED TWIN: You cannot control your sister’s behavior. What you can do is talk to her.
Without showing any worry — that may drive her away — ask her about their plans for the future. Where does she plan to live? What do they want for their lives together? Do they plan to have children?
Get her to open up about her long-term thoughts and whether she has a sense of where he stands on these topics.
To the extent that you can get her to open up in a relaxed manner and share her thoughts about their future, you will be giving her the gift of letting her articulate her intentions. If something sounds off or worrisome, bring it to her attention.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am struggling to help my mother, who is a hoarder.
Growing up, our house was always cluttered, but it has gotten significantly worse over the years. Every room is packed with boxes, old furniture and things she refuses to throw away. It’s to the point where she can barely move around her home, and I worry about her safety.
I’ve tried talking to her about cleaning, but she gets defensive and insists that everything has value or that she’ll get to it eventually. I’ve even offered to help organize things or hire a professional, but she shuts down the conversation immediately.
I know hoarding is often tied to deeper emotional issues and I don’t want to make her feel attacked, but I also can’t stand by and watch her live like this.
How can I support her without pushing too hard?
— Hoarder Mom
DEAR HOARDER MOM: You are right to be concerned — people do get hurt when they live in unsafe environments. Your mother needs professional help.
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Will she welcome it? Probably not.
Do your research and find a compassionate local counselor who specializes in hoarding disorder and work with them to stage an intervention for your mother. If there are loved ones besides you who are willing to participate, that will help.
It will likely be ugly at first, but you may be able to get through to your mother and have her take some steps toward purging her environment. Stay strong. This won’t be easy.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
