DEAR ABBY: Both my parents passed away fairly recently — three years ago for my dad and almost two for my mom.
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They are buried in the town where I live. My husband and I won’t be buried near them; we plan to be cremated and have our ashes scattered.
I place artificial flowers on their graves, but I rarely pass by there, and my children and grandchildren don’t visit them. They have their memories of time spent with my parents, as do I. All my other relatives of my parents’ generation are gone.
I place the flowers because I want people to know I respect my parents, but I often forget to change them seasonally, which seems worse than not decorating at all.
I would like to stop, and I need to convince myself it is OK. Is grave decorating a generational thing, and is the trend not to do so in this day and age?
— GRAVE QUESTIONS IN WEST VIRGINIA
DEAR GRAVE QUESTIONS: Allow me to express my sympathy for the loss of your parents.
Grave decorating is a personal choice. Some individuals and families do it on the birthday of their deceased loved one; others do it on the anniversary of the death.
The time to show affection and respect to our loved ones is while they are living. If you did that, you have nothing to apologize for in deciding to scale it back or cease entirely.
[Abby answered another question about grave decorations just last week.]
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are retired seniors. We live in a beautiful two-story house we built 14 years ago.
At the time, we thought it would be our final home, but in my opinion, it no longer meets our needs. I want to move and downsize. The problem is that my wife doesn’t.
Throughout our 50 years of marriage, we have lived in four houses, and each time I wanted to move, she did not. She becomes emotionally attached to a house.
I have explained to her that we need a one-story house or condo closer to our kids, who live across town. Just bringing up the subject gets her very upset.
I believe I will die before she does. It would give me peace knowing that after my funeral, she would return home and not be faced with a lot of problems. When I die, our children are going to want her to move closer anyway. She will then have to coordinate and handle the move on her own — a massive job even with the help of our two sons.
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I could easily take the position that I’ll be gone so what do I care, but I do care. I have looked out for her our entire marriage, and I would like to finish the job. Advice?
— HERO HUSBAND IN OHIO
DEAR HERO HUSBAND: I do have some. You signed your letter “Hero Husband,” but hasn’t it occurred to you that in your zeal to take care of and protect your wife, you may have infantilized her? Her feelings on this subject should be respected.
Many widows (if she becomes one, may it be many, many years from now) find strength and resourcefulness they didn’t know they had after the death of their husbands. What happens to this house should be a family decision, not yours alone.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
