DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a close group of six friends. “Jane” has always been tight on money, and we’ve often covered her expenses without much fuss, since the other five chip in. Whether it’s going to movies, restaurants or clubs, it’s been fine.
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However, things changed when she started bringing her boyfriend along; now he freeloads off of us, too. We split bills equally, but he always manages to get a free ride.
After a few outings, I gently suggested to Jane that if her boyfriend continues joining us, they should start contributing, too, as covering for two people is a strain.
Her response was unexpected: She asked if we’d keep paying for her if he pitches in.
With the way she responded, it dawned on me that their action has always been intentional, and my group felt quite frustrated about it. How should I approach this situation?
— Freeloader Friends
DEAR FREELOADER FRIENDS: It’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation with Jane.
While it was nice that you and the rest of your friends covered for her, the fact that you never talked about it has backfired on you. She has assumed that this should be her reality with you and that her boyfriend should inherit this privilege.
One or more of you needs to talk to her to explain that she should be able to take care of herself. There is no reason for you to have to pay her way — or her boyfriend’s.
Yes, it may be awkward to address this, but you must. Tell her that her free ride is over.
If she decides to stop hanging out with you, sadly you will learn that she was using you the whole time.
No matter what, it is time for those days to end.
DEAR HARRIETTE: “Dead Weight” wrote to you about a member of a group who was not carrying her weight on a group project.
In addition to whatever subject matter they were learning about for the project, they should also realize that learning to work together is another skill they will need in the working world, and Dead Weight might want to bring that up with her group.
The rest of the group might only be frustrated, but if this person behaves this way in her job after school, she won’t have it for long.
— Reality Check
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DEAR REALITY CHECK: You are so right!
In the so-called real world, everybody has to do their part, at least most of the time. While responsibility is not always measured equitably, it is important for all of us to understand that we need to be good on our word, meaning we actually do what we say we are going to do. We also need to be able to do our part when we are on a team.
That said, I still maintain that there will be times when we have to make up for others’ inability or unwillingness to fulfill their responsibilities. Fair or not, that’s a part of life.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
