DEAR ABBY: A co-worker and I have developed a mutual friendship with a co-worker who lives in a different town.
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They’re a beautiful human with the hugest heart. They escaped an abusive relationship and are currently a single parent to their special-needs child. They’re also severely isolated due to the abuse they suffered.
We’ve all been friends for almost a year and have gone out on the town, but I hadn’t seen this particular co-worker’s living quarters until recently.
The place is horrendous. There’s trash and dirty dishes everywhere, food left out and a pungent odor that lingers on your clothes once you’ve left.
I’m not one to judge, as I know there’s always another side to the story, but it was easily the worst conditions I’ve ever seen.
I’ve talked with our mutual friend/co-worker. We both want to help as best we can. Given the current disrepair of the house, I feel it’d be easier to pay for a cleaning crew than to tackle it ourselves.
How do we approach that conversation without causing offense?
— CONCERNED CO-WORKER IN MICHIGAN
DEAR CONCERNED: You are right to be concerned. It is not healthy for a child to live in the kind of home you have described.
Although it is a touchy subject to approach, you and the mutual friend should have a private, face-to-face discussion with your co-worker and volunteer to have a crew come in to help the person handle something that has clearly gotten out of control.
DEAR ABBY: My son and his family live six hours from me. I can afford the gas to drive there, but paying for a hotel room for two nights is beyond my means.
My son is a stay-at-home dad of seven children. When I asked his wife if I could stay at their place, thinking one child could make a pallet on the floor, giving me a bed, she said she didn’t want to put any of their children out.
At my age, I can’t sleep on the floor because I have some health issues.
This means I can’t see my son and his family. They don’t offer to help pay for a room.
I remember when someone stayed in my parents’ home, they gave up their bedroom to the guest. I don’t expect my son and his wife to give up their room, but one of the children should.
It makes me feel sad, disrespected and uncared for since, in the past, my son said he wanted me to get closer to his children.
Is there any answer?
— DENIED GRANDMA IN WASHINGTON
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DEAR GRANDMA: This may not be a case of being uncared for or disrespected. From what you have described, your daughter-in-law makes the decisions in that household rather than your son. The reason may be that she’s the one financially supporting the family.
If you (and your son) want you to grow closer to your seven grandchildren, perhaps a foldaway cot could be purchased for you to use when you visit. It shouldn’t cost more than a few nights in a hotel. (Have you ever asked them if it would be possible for them to pay part of the cost of a hotel stay?)
If a cot is out of reach, consider sleeping on a sofa or in an easy chair, if one is comfortable enough.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
