DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I are in our early 50s, and we’ve been arguing a lot lately.
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The main source of our tension is our lack of retirement savings. We’ve both worked hard all our lives, but due to various circumstances, we haven’t managed to put much away for our future. We’re both feeling the pressure as retirement approaches, and it’s causing a lot of stress and resentment.
I blame him for some poor financial decisions in the past, and he blames me for not being more proactive about saving.
The arguments are getting more frequent and intense, and it’s starting to feel like we’re in a downward spiral. We’ve tried talking about it calmly, but our discussions always seem to end in a fight.
I’m worried about what this stress is doing to our marriage and our overall well-being.
I want us to find a way to work together to improve our situation and build a more secure future, but I’m not sure how to get us on the same page. How can we stop blaming each other and start working as a team to address our financial issues?
— No Retirement
DEAR NO RETIREMENT: Now is the time to reach out for help.
Contact a financial planner to work with the two of you to design a way forward. You are not the expert on this, and no argument will miraculously get you to a solution.
Speak to your bank. Ask friends for recommendations. Find a reputable firm online. Interview a few companies to see which feels like a fit.
Once you find an adviser you trust, share your current financial situation in great detail. Be transparent, even if it causes you discomfort.
Your adviser can help you determine where to cut back, how to spend differently, if there is any short-term investing that is smart for you and what a path forward will look like for the two of you. Get help now!
DEAR HARRIETTE: My siblings and I are struggling to agree on the best care for our aging parent.
Our father recently had a health scare, and while we all want what’s best for him, we can’t seem to find common ground. Some of us believe he should move into a nursing home for full-time care, while others think he should stay at home with family support.
As the eldest, I’m not sure how we can move past this disagreement while making sure it is for our father’s best interest and not us running away from responsibility.
If you were in my father’s shoes, which would you choose?
— Nursing Home or Family Support
DEAR NURSING HOME OR FAMILY SUPPORT: There doesn’t have to be one plan. You can potentially employ several options over time.
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Which siblings have the capacity to take your father into their homes? Talk about this to see what is practical. This should include a floorplan that is safe for him to navigate, time for someone to be at home with your dad during the day and financial resources to care for him.
If other siblings can pitch in with in-person care and dollars to help pay for food and other necessities, that would help ease the burden on any one sibling.
You should also research a live-in facility to determine the cost and your father’s ability to pay for it should the time come when he needs that extra support.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
