Occasionally, I get a call for help from a reader has all the markings of a class action suit — that is, one person acting on behalf of many (maybe you). Florida nurse practitioner Maureen Rabazinski’s email was just such a case.
“Dear Marni,” she wrote. “HELP! I want my house back! I want a house that reflects me and my husband while still occasionally welcoming our family and friends — not a home that has a revolving door.
“Eight years ago, when our two sons flew the nest, my husband and I downsized to a single-story, four-bedroom, two-bath home on a beautiful pond. Soon after, our younger son came home from college and lived in the guest room for over a year as he figured out his next life steps. We reclaimed the space, when he moved to Denver for a job and a girlfriend. Soon after his older brother moved in with his wife and their three children, while they waited for a new home they’d bought to be ready for them.”
The guest room became a children’s playroom, filled with toys and two twin beds. The baby’s crib landed in Maureen’s home office. Then her younger son boomeranged back. At last, everyone moved to homes of their own, but the stuff — beds, crib, toys — remains.
“I now want to make our home just ours again and eliminate the feeling of overwhelming chaos,” Maureen writes. “Specifically, our (primary) bedroom has an elliptical machine in the corner. It not only makes us feel guilty for not using it, but it also ruins the relaxing vibe I want the room to have. The so-called guestroom is recovering from being overtaken by our son. Do I convert it into a workout room to rid my master of the elliptical? But where would guests sleep? The kids’ room looks like Toys R Us at Christmas. The fourth bedroom is my office. I’m a nurse practitioner and run a telehealth practice from my home. I wonder what my patients would think if they could see a baby crib beyond the carefully angled monitor.
“Though I’m grateful I had the space to accommodate my family’s housing needs over the years, my husband and I want our private oasis back. We still want to welcome family, friends and grandkids, but only for short stays. So how do I reconfigure my house?”
I have two words of advice: boundaries and purpose. Let’s start with boundaries. You need some. How lovely that you have created the kind of family and home that can be a port in the storm for your grown children. But it’s time to lock the revolving door, stick to the three-day rule for visits, and become familiar with the Airbnbs in your area.
As for purpose, each room should have one — not more.
Over the next few days, Maureen and I talked and exchanged emails. These were my recommendations followed by her feedback:
The primary bedroom: Ditch the elliptical. Sell it and use the money for a gym membership you will use.
Maureen’s reaction: “I loved your advice on the elliptical. It was like when a counselor tells you something you know but need to hear. I’m putting it on Facebook Marketplace today and putting the money toward a gym membership. The guilt is lifting already.”
The office: This should be reserved for only your work and every part of it should make you look and feel like the professional you are. The crib goes.
Maureen’s reaction: “Agreed. When I started working from home during Covid, I didn’t know I would be launching a homebased telehealth business. Once the crib is gone, I want to turn what was a makeshift space into a pretty office that reflects me.”
The grandkids’ room: The twin beds stay, along with the crib and — after a major toy purge — a well-organized toy-storage system, perhaps one that slides under the beds.
Maureen’s reaction: “I always want to have a grandkids’ room, but it doesn’t have to take over the house. I plan to purge half the toys.”
The guestroom: Reserve the guestroom for brief visits from adult children and guests. It is not a way station.
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Maureen’s reaction: “Got it. I’m taking back the guest room and making it welcoming again. I’m also taking to heart your advice to not let rooms bleed into others. I am looking forward to closing the revolving door and to opening a door that reflects the lifestyle we want for this stage in our lives.”
Godspeed, Maureen. You’ve earned it.
Join me in a couple weeks when Maureen puts advice into action and discovers the difference that having an orderly home makes in the rest of her life.
Marni Jameson is the author of seven books, including “Downsizing the Family Home.” Reach her at marni@marnijameson.com.
