DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been best friends with “Sam” since high school.
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Recently, our friendship has been strained because when I got drunk on a Friday night out, I unintentionally shared a private story about her with our mutual friends.
Sam is an anxious person, and her discovery of being adopted is a big deal for her. Her adoptive parents are not yet aware that she knows. When our friends discussed it the following morning, Sam felt betrayed and has been distant ever since, despite my sincere apologies.
How can I fix things between us after this big trust slip-up? It was the alcohol talking.
— Yapping Tongue
DEAR YAPPING TONGUE: Ask to sit down with her. When face to face, remind her of how much you love and respect her. Apologize again for revealing her secret. Admit that you know it was a betrayal of the deepest kind.
While you know that you shared it because you were drunk, you also know that being drunk is a horrible excuse. You should have each other’s back no matter what. No substance or situation should provoke you to break her confidence.
In time, she may forgive you. In the meantime, you need to take a hard look at yourself. How often do you get drunk? Have you divulged a confidence when drunk in the past? Do you need to monitor your drinking?
Be honest with yourself, and proceed accordingly.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am one of seven kids, and we have always been short on money.
One of my extended relatives used to help us out occasionally — giving us used items we didn’t have and some money on birthdays in exchange for babysitting their kids, and allowing us to tag along on vacations sometimes — but I always felt it was more out of pity than familial support.
Now that our financial situation is improving as most of us siblings have graduated and are working, we’ve started hearing hurtful comments from this relative and their family, who seem to look down on us. They are not aware that we know.
They attend our family gatherings uninvited, despite our attempts to distance ourselves due to their toxic behavior. How can we cut ties with this extended family without coming across as arrogant or ungrateful for their past help?
— Improving Life Little by Little
DEAR IMPROVING LIFE LITTLE BY LITTLE: If you have the courage, invite this relative to meet with you.
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Thank the person for their help for your family over the years. Note that you are grateful that your family’s situation is improving. Then say that you are aware that this person has been badmouthing you and your family to others, and describe how much that hurts you.
It was obvious that your family was struggling some years ago. While it was nice of them to help out, knowing now that they were passing judgment on you is a special kind of hurt. Ask them to stop.
If they react poorly, tell them that you need some time away from them for now. That should be a hint that they are not invited to the next party.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
