DEAR HARRIETTE: My husband and I have identical twin boys who are about to start preschool in the fall.
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Their attachment is so strong that they often refuse to be apart, even for short periods.
While I love how close they are, I’ve started to wonder if it might be beneficial for their development to experience some time apart.
I think that placing them in separate classrooms at preschool might help them develop a sense of individuality and independence, which is something I think will be important for them as they grow older. I worry that if they continue to be so closely tied to each other, they might miss out on opportunities to build their own identities, make new friends and explore their own interests.
My husband, on the other hand, isn’t on board with this idea.
He feels that separating our sons at such a young age could cause unnecessary stress and anxiety, both for the boys and for us as parents. He believes that their bond is something special that shouldn’t be disrupted, especially when they’re still so young and about to face the new and potentially overwhelming experience of starting school.
How can we make this decision in a way that supports our boys’ growth without causing unnecessary tension in our family?
— Separate the Twins
DEAR SEPARATE THE TWINS: Talk to the school psychologist or their teacher. Express your concerns, making it clear what you know about your boys. Ask their opinion and if they have worked with twins before.
My thought is that once the boys are in the company of other children, they will naturally gravitate to others and slowly expand their social network.
All kinds of dynamics occur with siblings and twins. You cannot control how they develop, but you can watch closely and support them as they grow.
There are many studies and a number of books that explore this topic. Start reading.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m feeling frustrated with my brother’s girlfriend, and I could use your perspective.
“Sally” often stays over at our house, especially on days when she doesn’t have classes. She’s about to graduate college. My brother “Bill” is already working, and he covers all of the household expenses since our parents are retired.
My issue is that Sally rarely interacts with the rest of the family and mostly keeps to herself, only talking to Bill. This makes it feel like the house is more of an apartment for her rather than our family home.
Additionally, I suspect she’s influencing my brother to limit his financial support to just the household expenses, forbidding him to spoil us with gifts, which he used to do.
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I’m feeling irritated but questioning if my feelings are justified. Should I be more understanding of Sally’s situation? Maybe she is just shy and introverted? Or is it reasonable for me to feel this way?
— Annoyed Sister
DEAR ANNOYED SISTER: Why don’t you take steps to include Sally in family activities? She may not feel as welcome as you imagine. Inviting her to be part of whatever you are doing is a positive step that should make her feel welcomed by all.
As far as how your brother spends money, it could also be that he is trying to save money and, therefore, spending less. Having the full financial responsibility for the family is huge. Don’t be upset that the gifts are less frequent.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
