DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m starting to feel uneasy about my relationship with my girlfriend.
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We’ve been together for about a year now, and, while I care for her, it seems like when we spend time together, it involves me spending money on her. Whether it’s buying her meals or gifts or covering other expenses, there’s always some sort of financial disbursement expected from me.
In the beginning, I didn’t think much of it because I wanted to show her how much I cared. However, now it’s become a pattern, and I’m starting to wonder if she’s with me for the right reasons.
It’s not that I mind treating her, but I’m beginning to feel like my value in this relationship is tied to what I can provide financially.
Whenever I suggest doing something that doesn’t involve spending money, she seems less enthusiastic or finds a reason to decline.
I’m conflicted because I do love her, but I can’t help but feel taken advantage of. How do I approach this situation without damaging our relationship?
— Feeling Used
DEAR FEELING USED: Don’t be shy. Speak directly to your girlfriend, and tell her how you are feeling.
Remind her how much you care about her, and add that you do not want your relationship to feel transactional; you would like to do more things with her that do not revolve around spending money. It is possible to enjoy each other without spending a dime.
See what she says. This will reveal a lot about who she is and what she values, and her reaction will let you know if she is someone you want to continue engaging as your partner.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’ve been dedicating a lot of time to a long-term volunteer project at an animal shelter that I initially felt passionate about, but lately, it’s been feeling more like an obligation than a fulfilling endeavor.
While I still deeply believe in the cause of helping animals in need, I find myself facing burnout. I’m struggling to find that spark and enthusiasm I once had for this project.
Do you have any advice on how I can reignite my passion for this volunteer work and discover a way to contribute without feeling overwhelmed?
— Volunteer Burnout
DEAR VOLUNTEER BURNOUT: Whether you are volunteering or being paid for your time, it is possible to get overwhelmed and feel burned out. That probably means it is time to take a pause.
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Talk to the officials at the shelter and let them know you need to step away for a while to rejuvenate yourself. Feel free to explain that you are feeling overwhelmed. As much as you care about the shelter, you have to take care of yourself for a bit.
Just make sure that you fill your time off with self-care. Start with a physical to ensure that your body is healthy. Then schedule pampering activities that tend to you. Invite loved ones to spend time with you. Join a book club. Do something that feeds your spirit.
When you feel refreshed, you can revisit your voluntary commitments to see if they are still right for you.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
