DEAR MISS MANNERS: My old college roommate and I were at school together about 40 years ago. Over the years, we have lost touch, but I still enjoy seeing her family in online posts.
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In her most recent posts, her husband is not in any of the family pictures. I don’t know if they have divorced, if he was out of town, if he has passed away, or if maybe he was just having a bad hair day.
As I haven’t said anything to her for many years beyond an annual birthday message, is there a delicate way to inquire about his absence?
GENTLE READER: Well, no. “Where’s your husband?” is not likely to be received well, whether he died or ran off with the other college roommate during the reunion you missed.
But if you reconnect with this friend, Miss Manners is confident that a little patience will eventually be rewarded.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a gregarious friend who likes to involve service people, such as cashiers and waiters, in conversations he is having with me.
Occasionally I will make a request, such as asking a waiter about the contents of an entree, for a reason this friend knows. He then often says something to me along the lines of, “Do you want to tell him, or should I?”
This, of course, leads to an awkward pause.
I find this rude on several points. First, I am capable of giving the person all the info they need to know, such as dietary or religious needs, to fulfill my request. Second, it feels to me like he is co-opting the conversation so he is now in control of it. And third, it puts me uncomfortably on the spot, as now the service person expects further (unnecessary) clarification that I do not wish to give.
I am requesting your assistance on a non-rude, effective retort to my friend that will prevent this behavior.
GENTLE READER: What your friend is doing is a breach of both etiquette and friendship.
But Miss Manners assures you that if you treat it as such, just once, you will not have to repeat yourself: “If you are about to share an aspect of my medical history that there is no reason for him to know, then I would ask that you please not do so.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a CPA who will be retiring in 2025 after 36 years with my employer’s firm.
Over the years, I have acquired several sweaters and jackets imprinted with my firm’s logo. They are all in good condition and I enjoy wearing them.
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After my retirement, is it appropriate for me to continue wearing these items, as I believe I have earned the right to do? Or should I offer them to other women in the firm when I leave?
GENTLE READER: Military establishments, airlines and other institutions in which the clothing confers authority are fussy about donning the uniform when you no longer work there.
But companies usually issue sweatshirts to promote the brand — not to terrify the enemy — so Miss Manners sees little reason not to wear them into retirement if you wish.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
