DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s. My mom and dad will soon have been married for 30 years. I accidentally found evidence recently that Mom is having an extramarital affair.
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When I confronted her, she said I should go to therapy to deal with my overreaction to her “doing something I don’t like.”
She totally ignored the fact that it’s not just a minor thing that I’m upset about, but something wrong, immoral, hurtful and disrespectful to my dad, my brother and me.
Mom and I were very close, but this has ruined our relationship. I feel like she is putting reconciliation all on me, which feels unfair. What do I do?
— THROWN IN MARYLAND
DEAR THROWN: I am sure that what you discovered was a shock. However, you know nothing about the reason(s) your mother may be having an extramarital affair and whether your father knows about it.
What’s going on has nothing to do with you and your brother.
Please take your mother’s advice. Discuss this mess and your feelings about it with a licensed family therapist, and you may gain some insight.
DEAR ABBY: I appreciate you offering your booklet “How to Be Popular” to people who are uncomfortable or uncertain in social situations.
I don’t know if the following tips are included, but here’s what I do: When I meet someone for the first time, I say, “Tell me three things about yourself that you would like to share.” As I listen to the response, I think of the “W” words — who, what, when, where and why.
Then, for elaboration, I ask one of those questions, or perhaps more, a few minutes later.
I hope these suggestions are helpful.
— BOB W. IN NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR BOB: Showing an interest in others is generally a good idea. However, some people might find your direct approach intimidating if it’s a conversation starter with no preamble. Asking who, what, when, where and why can be useful in conversation, as it also is when writing a news article.
Making social conversation doesn’t come naturally to everyone. Few individuals are adept at it because they are so focused on their own insecurities that it distracts them from reaching out. It can, however, be practiced and polished until it becomes second nature.
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My booklet “How To Be Popular” contains many useful tips for accomplishing this. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. It is meant for people of all ages and covers a variety of situations.
The keys to being socially successful are: Be kind. Be honest. Be tactful. Offer a compliment if you think it is deserved. Be a good listener, and people will think you are a genius. (It’s true!) And remember, a smile is an excellent icebreaker because it puts those around you at ease.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
