DEAR MISS MANNERS: I went to a bookstore and found a small notebook whose cover was inspired by the painting “Starry Night” by Vincent van Gogh.
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It reminded me of a friend who adores van Gogh’s work, so I bought it for him as a casual gift.
When I surprised my friend with the gift, he was very pleased and thankful. Unfortunately, he felt the need to repay me with a brand-new pair of suede shoes.
I told him that was unnecessary, but he insisted, so I accepted them. I knew accepting his gift would make my friend happy, but something about it felt wrong. I felt the gift was too much.
So later that same day, I texted him that I would return the unused shoes to him. When he asked me why, I told him my parents wouldn’t allow me to keep them.
This is both a truth and a lie: My parents don’t know about the shoes, but if they did, they would demand I give them back. They don’t want me befriending guys, which all of my friends know (including him).
I told him “Thank you again,” and that he is a very thoughtful friend. Despite this, he was mad and claimed that if I truly liked the shoes, I should have tried harder to keep them. He says he will no longer be my friend, and thinks me a liar.
The only thing I wanted to be was gentle and kind. What could I have done differently?
GENTLE READER: You would have done better to have stated your real objection, or at least a nuanced version of it: that his gift was too much in return for yours.
The idea underlying that objection — and the reason your unsuspecting parents got dragged into this, Miss Manners believes — is that his outlay implies motives, or desires, that you do not reciprocate.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I had a layover at the airport, so I sat down at a bar. Nobody greeted me. There was a touchscreen terminal at the counter for customers to place orders, so I did.
In about 10 minutes, someone plopped my drink down in front of me (the same person who was mopping up a spilled drink). Still no greeting.
I have worked in the service industry before, and usually have no problem leaving the now-traditional 18% tip — sometimes more for stellar service. I figured I did two-thirds of this particular transaction, so I gave a 6% tip for the one-third of the transaction they provided.
Please tell me where my actions were flawed.
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GENTLE READER: It has always been Miss Manners’ position that staff should be paid decent wages for their work — and that tipping is an unholy system whereby employers evade this basic responsibility.
The fascination with how the tip is calculated is a distraction — a way for the customer to get in on the unpleasant activity of punishing workers.
Is the system you describe poor service? Of course. But was the system set up by the employee asked to do double duty cleaning and serving? Unlikely.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
