DEAR HARRIETTE: I just lost my job due to company downsizing, and it was a shock, especially since I had been there for a few years and thought I was on a solid path.
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I’ve moved back in with my parents, for which I’m grateful, but I’m starting to feel a bit suffocated by their constant questions about my job search and their well-meaning — but unsolicited — advice. I know they’re just trying to help, but their concern is adding to my stress.
I realize it’s partly my fault for not saving enough during those years to support myself when I unexpectedly got laid off.
I want to set some boundaries without coming across as lazy or ungrateful for their support. Is there a way to do that?
— Back Home Blues
DEAR BACK HOME BLUES: Your well-meaning parents are concerned about you, and it is likely knee-jerk for them to ask questions incessantly as well as offer unsolicited advice.
What you can do is figure out a basic plan for how you want to get back on your feet that you can articulate to them. Then request a meeting with them where you thank them for taking you in.
Assure them that you are actively working to secure another job and get your life in order. Ask them to trust that you are on top of things and to give you space to get back on track. Explain that it is hard for you when they are constantly asking you questions.
Request that you establish boundaries with them such that they stop the constant interrogation, as you promise to keep them updated as things progress.
You may want to set a time frame for how long you expect to stay with them. When you get close to that time, if you aren’t able to leave, ask them if you can stay longer.
Be sure to actively contribute to the upkeep of their home while you are there.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m in a really tough situation with my mom, who has been going through so much lately.
She’s on dialysis for six hours four times a week, and she has been waiting for a kidney donor for almost a year now.
I just returned from Brazil and found out that I’m a match, and I’m willing to donate my kidney to her. My mom is refusing to accept it and doesn’t want me to go through with the transplant.
I understand she might be worried about the risks and the impact on my health, but it breaks my heart that she won’t even consider this option. I want her to know how much I love her and that I’m ready to help her in this way.
How can I convince her to at least think about it?
— Desperate Daughter
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Harriette Cole: Why should he be able to police his sister’s body?
Miss Manners: Is there a way to tell them this was a horrible gift for my kids?
DEAR DESPERATE DAUGHTER: You cannot control your mother’s choices. What you can do is assure her of your love and support.
Stop pestering her about being her kidney donor. She may come around to it. A donor may surface through other means if she is on the list.
Honor her wishes and just be with her. This is her life. You cannot live it for her.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
