DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship with “Marvin” for 30 years, many of them as a married couple.
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He has many vices — drinking and being abusive were the main issues. Our divorce was final two months ago.
Marvin’s behavior was so poor that if I had told anyone, they would have lost respect for him, and he would have most certainly lost his job. So, I kept his secrets at my own expense. If I had shared what was actually going on, Marvin would have faced the consequences. It was isolating and lonely.
I have been hiding this shame for so long that, now that we are divorced, I’m not sure what to tell people.
I want to tell the truth about what I experienced, but I don’t want it to seem like I am just badmouthing my ex. How can I open up without seeming bitter?
— HELD BACK IN WASHINGTON
DEAR HELD BACK: It’s time to speak frankly to someone. The office of a licensed therapist would be a good place to start. Your doctor or your health insurance company can refer you to someone qualified.
If you want to ensure that you won’t be regarded as a “bitter divorcee,” confide in your closest friends. When you do, explain that you know you should have spoken up sooner, but you were afraid that if you did, Marvin would lose his job, which would have had a negative impact on both of you.
DEAR ABBY: I’m the mom of an 18-year-old daughter, “Leia.” I have always tried to keep the lines of communication open with my children, and we have what I think is a strong, positive familial bond.
My best friend recently informed me that Leia has an Instagram account that’s publicly accessible. I can’t find her account when I search, which means she has me blocked.
The account was created three years ago, when she was a minor. I’m not happy with this. When asked back then, Leia told us repeatedly she didn’t have an Instagram account — but I always suspected she did, as most young people her age are engaged in social media.
I would like Leia to unblock me so I can see her beautiful pictures.
I’m not a harsh critic or negative person, though Leia often interprets my comments that way. I think she has blocked me because she considers any observations or comments I might make to be parental surveillance. I’ve told her, repeatedly, that I’m not trying to keep tabs on her.
We have always given our kids what we think is a high level of personal freedom. I just want to see the beautiful images she posts.
How do I gently bring this up to her, and ask her to allow me to see her account?
— BLOCKED IN NEW YORK
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Dear Abby: How can I alert people that I am dead in my house?
Asking Eric: Do I need to publicly announce that she’s no longer my friend?
DEAR BLOCKED: I don’t advise you to ask your now-adult daughter to unblock you from her social media.
You stated that Leia often interprets your comments and observations as critical and invasive, which may be the reason she blocked you in the first place.
Because you long to see her “beautiful pictures,” ask your good friend to show them to you on her computer or her cellphone. That way your curiosity will be assuaged, and Leia won’t feel invaded.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
