DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have achieved a small degree of social and political success in my community. Unfortunately, that is not the case for my husband.
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He is a wonderful spouse and does not cheat or lie; he’s not a bigot or a drunk. Still, he has no friends here where we live.
We have invited many couples over for cocktails, but there is never any reciprocity.
I am curious about what is keeping my husband out of the “in” crowd. One fellow has tried, twice, to take me aside and discuss this. His wife stopped the conversation the first time, and something else interrupted him the other time.
I am convinced he will try again, and despite my curiosity, I don’t like the idea of listening to someone denigrate my husband. How am I to respond when this acquaintance tries again to take me aside?
GENTLE READER: “Before you begin, I should tell you that I will not hear my husband unjustly maligned. No doubt your feedback is constructive and kindly meant, but I will not have him insulted. If you have information that you think will help him, however, please proceed.”
Miss Manners confesses that she would not be able to resist knowing what everyone else in your circle already knows. But if you are stronger than she, you can end this speech after the first line.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Maybe I’m the one lacking in manners for bringing this up, but: Are there etiquette norms for death notices?
My pet peeve is when there is no indication given for the cause of death, in particular for the young. I believe if you are spending the time and money to notify me of the death, then common courtesy dictates that I know at least if it were sudden/unexpected, or occurring after a lengthy illness.
With that information, at least I wouldn’t feel like such a blockhead when sending a card or walking into the wake. Your thoughts?
GENTLE READER: That you need not include the cause of death in your condolence letter, merely your sympathy to the bereaved.
While it is natural to be curious, and we all like to be informed, those in mourning are not required to disclose that information.
If you must know, Miss Manners suggests you ask someone who is not so closely associated with the deceased. But still, do so gently.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have endured too many unsatisfactory meals at restaurants, and I am ready to begin returning the food to the kitchen.
I am unsure how to do so, especially if I am dining with friends, or as the guest of a friend.
Sometimes I have been so put off that I want no replacement meal at all.
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GENTLE READER: Then Miss Manners suggests you start dining exclusively at your own home.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it OK for my roommate to put her feet on our landlady’s nice coffee table? We live with her in her house.
GENTLE READER: Only if your roommate is looking for a quick exit from the lease.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
