DEAR ABBY: I helped a friend by giving her rides to and from work for two weeks while her car was being repaired.
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When she got her car back, she told me to let her know if she could ever repay the favor by helping me.
Recently, my car needed repairs, so I asked if I could call in the favor for a ride to and from work for a few days. She replied that she could do that for me, but I should know she had already “paid the favor (owed to me) forward” by helping out one of her other friends, so she felt she didn’t owe me a favor any longer.
I also got the impression that, if she gave me rides to work, I would owe her a new favor. I told her to forget that I asked, and I’d find another way to get to work.
Is there some rule of etiquette that allows you to tell someone you are “paying a favor forward” and no longer owe them a favor?
— ANNOYED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR ANNOYED: If there is, this is the first I have heard of it.
The “friend” you describe is what they call a “bean counter,” or a “scorekeeper.” This is someone who places excessive emphasis on controlling things, like expenditures, budgets and, in her case, relationships. Folks like that are best avoided.
DEAR ABBY: A beloved friend and family member has a habit of changing the temperatures of food that is already being cooked by other people.
Is this considered rude? Is there a polite way to correct the situation?
— BOTHERED & BEWILDERED IN BOSTON
DEAR B&B: It may be time to post a sign on your oven or stove advising visitors (beloved or not) that you do not want your appliances tampered with when you are preparing to entertain. Whoever has been doing this is extremely presumptuous because it could potentially ruin the entire meal.
DEAR ABBY: I often wonder why men don’t care for their children like women do.
In my lifetime, I have known only one man who changed diapers, did naps and baths, took kids to daycare or school, attended most events in the child’s life and was there for the child 24 hours a day. (He’s the man I married.)
Most men I know think all of the above are the woman’s responsibility alone, even if she works full time. I can only assume it dates back to cavemen days or life on the prairie.
— VALUED IN INDIANA
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DEAR VALUED: Ideally, the responsibilities of child care should be shared. You didn’t mention your age, but over the past couple of decades I have been impressed to see fathers proudly carrying their babies in a sling or pushing them in strollers. They also take older children out for a Sunday breakfast, to their sporting events as well as to professional sports events.
I don’t know what their home lives are like, and neither do you, but they appear to be very much involved in their children’s lives.
In decades past, men thought that working long hours to provide for their families was what they were supposed to do, and therefore were less hands-on than your husband.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
