DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend and I became lovers at an early age.
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At first, his mom was strongly against our relationship, believing we were too young and still had school to finish. Despite her disapproval, we continued seeing each other, thinking our love would be enough.
Recently, I found out that I am pregnant. We were shocked by the news, and his mom was furious. Now we don’t know what to do next.
We’re unsure whether we can stay at his mom’s house, and we wonder if we should separate.
Should we try to make things work under difficult circumstances, or is it time for us to live independently and figure things out on our own?
— Young and Pregnant
DEAR YOUNG AND PREGNANT: Now is the time for you to stay together and figure out what you are going to do.
Will you keep the baby or put it up for adoption? These are tough questions that you should make together — probably with your parents’ input, since they will ultimately have to help if you keep the baby.
Now is the time to grow up and behave like adults.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am a 60-year-old mother of two adult sons, ages 38 and 32. Both of them are completely dependent on my husband and me for financial support.
My husband and I have always been relatively well-off, and we never hesitated to provide them with everything they needed and wanted as they grew up. I felt it was a way to show our love and support, but now I fear we may have enabled them to the point that it’s affecting their ability to stand on their own two feet.
Currently, both sons are unemployed, and they seem to rely on us for nearly all their expenses, from rent to bills — even spending money.
This dependency has put a strain on our relationship with them and with each other, as my husband and I have different opinions on how to address the situation.
I worry that by continuing to support them financially, we’re reinforcing this cycle of dependency and preventing them from learning important life skills and financial responsibility. Yet the idea of withdrawing support makes me feel guilty, as if we’re abandoning them during a time when it’s hard to find stable employment.
How do we approach this situation in a way that encourages them to become self-reliant while still showing them love and support?
— Dependent Adults
DEAR DEPENDENT ADULTS: You already know that you have done your sons a disservice by always paying their living expenses. It’s never too late to make a change.
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You can show them your love in another way by telling them the cold, hard truth: You will not live forever, and you cannot take care of them forever. They need to become independent men who are capable of caring for themselves and building their own lives.
Don’t cut them off immediately, but give them a timeline to secure employment and find a place of their own to live.
They need to be pushed. They will not like this and may become bitter at first, but they need to assume responsibility for themselves.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
