DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised to believe it is rude to point, especially in public.
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When I was married, my spouse had a habit of pointing, whether in a crowded room or on the street. I tried to gently suggest that the action was rude, but he was adamant that no such rule existed.
I have looked for support in etiquette books and have come up empty-handed.
For my own peace of mind, what is your opinion on this?
GENTLE READER: You are, in general, correct. But as you were kind enough to give fair warning that your interest is not disinterested, Miss Manners will add that there are exceptions — such as pointing at the truck speeding towards your former spouse as you warn him to get out of the way. Should you be so inclined.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I just started a new job, and a group text chat was created for us to communicate about our shift availability. However, employees have begun using this chat for small talk.
I can’t simply mute it, because I might miss important work information. They’re all wonderful people, but I don’t want my phone blowing up!
How do I communicate this politely and without hurting feelings?
GENTLE READER: As this is now a terribly common problem with a commonly terrible solution, Miss Manners is happy to offer a polite one.
The typical solution is to berate co-workers for misusing the channel, which is impolite, hurts everyone’s feelings and does not work.
A better solution requires more patience. Create a second group text chat for personal matters — feigning interest in such matters if you have to — and direct personal matters there. Repeat your instructions as often as necessary. You can then mute the second channel.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My spouse and I invited two other couples to dinner.
Both couples immediately accepted the invitation, but informed me of the following: One guest is on a low-salt diet and is trying to cut out sugar. Another is avoiding gluten and dairy. The third said he doesn’t eat meat, and the fourth is allergic to fish.
What do I do?
GENTLE READER: This is what happens when we listen to the crowd who insists we dispense with etiquette because it exalts form over substance. They justify themselves by citing a mythical time when guests were barred from alerting hosts to serious medical conditions — and were presumably then wheeled off to the emergency room during dessert.
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Good hosts have always wanted their guests to survive the evening. They also want guests to enjoy themselves. And good guests, for their part, never wanted to put their hosts to unnecessary trouble.
In your case, Miss Manners has no hesitation in recommending you provide alternatives for the vegetarian, the guest with a fish allergy, and even the one on a diet.
It is the guests who are merely “avoiding” things that baffle her. The simplest solution may be to describe the proposed meal in advance in the hopes of finding out if these avoidances stem from serious conditions — or if the guests are merely repeating doctor’s instructions that they have no intention of following.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
